Going full HAES

I said in my last entry that I was going to go back to keeping a mindful eating journal - it lasted half a day!! I have still been trying to eat mindfully, but I realised I have spent a LOT of time over the years tracking what I eat in one way or another. I am DONE! Keeping a journal was very helpful for me when I first explored mindful eating but now it's just something else to rebel against, so I'm moving on.

Instead I'm really going to turn my attention to taking up a HAES approach to my journey.  HAES stands for "Health at Every Size" and the basic principle is that trying to control how much you weigh is both often fruitless and also not the best predictor of health outcomes. The HAES approach advocates for engaging in healthy behaviors such as regular exercise, eating your fruits and veg and practicing moderation.

For someone who is sick of worrying about all of the numbers it's the perfect approach. There is also just so much less pressure - you just do the best you can on any given day. 

I've been at it for a week and it's been up and done - there's been a few "devil may care" moments with regards to food and I'm still constantly tempted to check the scales to see if it's "working". That's the hardest thing, trying to change that almost hard wired mindset that my weight is the only thing that matters, trying to ignore that little voice in my head that says if I'm doing it "right" I should be loosing weight. 

With HAES comes radical self acceptance and self love - it means a commitment to taking good care of yourself - that sounds like a better goal to work towards than changing my relationship with gravity.

Back to basics

It feels like I've be flailing around trying to get my eating "back on track" for most of this year. I've also recently been injured and unable to run and that's gotten me thinking about my future running aspirations. The combination of these two things has meant I've spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about what it is I really want. What was it I was trying to achieve when I first started this journey over a year ago? The answer is simple, really, I wanted to - 

Free myself from binge eating and develop a healthy, happy relationship with food and my body.

I did really well with that for a while, but then I started thinking about actively trying to lose weight again - when I think about when the wheels started falling off, it was early this year when I started counting calories and weighing myself again - sure, I was working with a sensible calorie target, but it still set me back on the pathway towards the binge and restrict cycle, towards feeling like I was on or off track. More recently with my running I've been thinking a lot about how much easier it would be if I was lighter and feeling the weight (real or imagined) of my own and other people's expectations of how much smaller I should be getting now that I'm running so much. I've noticed that my worst days for eating are the days I've stepped on the scales.

I can feel that I'm stuck in "last supper" mode, eating all I can now because I'll have to be "good" tomorrow.

The running thing is also complex - after I did so well running 5.7km at the Gold Coast a few months ago I started thinking about the 10km in October and then the possibility of a half marathon next year. But the thing is, when I think about my fitness goals, I don't picture myself finishing a marathon looking long and lean, instead, I picture myself looking strong, lifting heavy stuff in the gym, showing off my arm definition in a tank top and smashing through boards without hesitation at taekwondo, but both those things have taken a backseat to running recently - It's hard to get the balance right, and I feel like I'm doing lots of things at once but none of them particularly well!

As it stands, I know I'll get through the 10km in October but it just won't be as quick as I was hoping. I'll reassess my running goals after that - who knows, it could just be the injury taking!

In the meantime, I've realised that I've never really given myself a proper chance to really heal from my disordered eating and find that elusive, natural place where everything, my weight, my food intake, just stabilises on it's own.

So, my mission for the next couple of weeks is to get back to basics. I'm going to:

- break up with the scales (again)

- get back into a mindful eating practice - keeping a journal of hunger and fullness, trying to mostly eat when I'm hungry and stop when full, taking a few deep breaths to centre myself before i start eating, and putting my cutlery down between bites 

- move my body everyday

- spend 10 minutes on meditation each day

I know that this works - no more flailing around searching for the answer! No more getting lured in by quick fixes and numbers, I've deleted the calorie counting apps from my phone and unfollowed weight loss pages on Instagram. I'm going to go back to focusing on, reading about and filling my newsfeed with body positive stuff and doing the work of recovery.

Watch your mind

I'm supposed to be running the 10km event at the Sandy Point Half Marathon today - instead I'm at home nursing sore, bruised and scratched feet after rolling my ankle last night!! Still, the events of the evening gave me the material for this blog post - so I guess it's not all bad!

Last night, I attended an inspirational speakers fundraising night organised by the founders of my local running group for their Relay for Life team. The speakers included two people who have run the  Mt. Everest Marathon, A local guy Brandon, who has gradually lost his sight over the years but has recently gotten back into running again, Dani, who ran 7 marathons, in 7 days in 7 states to raise money for Bravehearts, Allirra who ran the New York Marathon as part of the Indigenous Marathon Project, and Tristen Miller of Run Like Crazy fame.

Hearing all of these people speak was incredible! They all had stories of overcoming adversity and personal hardship to get to where they are now. They've all achieved amazing things and are inspiring people around them to do the same.

The thing is though - it also got me wishing that I could be the same. That I could be that kind of person. It made me wonder, what is different about these people that they are able to do this. Why can't I do it? What haven't I done it? Why have I let so many of my goals and dreams pass by over the years?

The evening finished quite late, and I was dreading the thought of having to get up at 5am the next morning to do the 10km - It's so ridiculous that I was thinking like that after everything I'd just heard, but sure enough, I was thinking about how tired I would be, how I was worried about my calf injury and how I wish I didn't have to do it. Then sure enough, as I was getting into the car, my foot slipped into a stormwater drain, I rolled my ankle and landed on the ground!! I hurt, a lot!! The universe had provided me with my excuse.

It got me thinking about the power of the mind to create our reality. Whether or not you believe in things like the "Law of Attraction", you can't deny that the way we think has a powerful affect on the way we feel and they way we live our lives. It makes all of the difference between achieving and giving up.

It dawned on me - that "special" ingredient that the speakers have that I don't - It's self belief and a driving force.

Tristen and Dani both spoke about not letting other people define for them what they can and can't do. Brandon spoke about the responsibility we have to others to repay the belief they have in us. One of Allirra's driving forces is to make a positive change in her local community.

I had that driving force and self belief when I was younger. I left home at 16 and moved in with my boyfriend - the people closest to me told me that I was throwing my life away, that I would get pregnant and that would be it - my life would be over. Instead, I finished my VCE, got into my university degree of choice, finished uni with excellent marks and got a job and the independence that was so important to me.

I felt some of that driving force when I started this blog a year ago - it's always been the dream that this would lead me in the direction of helping, encouraging, inspiring and motivating other women like me to gain peace with their bodies and with food - but I lost that drive somewhere along the way. I started feeling like I wasn't special enough.

If last night showed me anything - it's that we are all capable of great things - but we have to watch our minds - the dialogue going on in there will be the difference between success and failure.

I'll finish with that great quote from Henry Ford which also came up last night -

Highway to the comfort zone

I'm stuck - I had such big plans for 2015 and I feel like I've failed. It's been a tough year, I lost my Nana and my step-grandmother, I've had injuries to my elbow, shoulder and calf which have affected my training, I've grappled with anxiety so bad that I thought I was losing my mind, I've questioned everything in my life, my self esteem and self worth have taken a beating, this last week my cat has had to stay at the vets on fluids because of kidney problems. My eating is officially out of control.

Does it sound like I'm throwing a pity party? I am!! I feel a bit ripped off - 2015 was supposed to be my year! I even made a vision board!! I've lost sight of the fact that there is still a good 4 months of the year left - I've been thinking maybe I can try again in 2016.

This year I have taken steps towards the life that I want, but I also seem to keep getting dragged back to what is comfortable and easy - I've been thinking about quitting a lot!!

It's so easy to get stuck in the negative, as I've felt myself starting to give up this last few weeks I've also had the realisation that this is what is comfortable - when the going gets tough, it's easier to just pull the blankets up over my head and stuff my face with chocolate. I've realised that while I've made great strides in my eating disorder recovery when life is going smoothly, I'm not there yet when life is hard. Food is my band-aid in life, it's the Swiss Army knife that can be used in any uncomfortable situation. I've also realised that no one is coming to rescue me - something that is equal parts empowering and depressing! If I'm going get out of this hole I have to pull myself out! More importantly I need to do more work on self care and healthier ways of coping.

It didn't used to be like this, I used to be driven and independent, I used to set goals and not stop until I achieved them - but this battle I've had with my body and weight over the years has robbed me of that.

Change is hard - I think I've actually got a lot of my identity nowadays wrapped up in being the "fat girl" I think I've also developed a bit of an attitude towards having something to prove - fat girls can run, they can be fit and strong. But is that really what I want my identity to be?? I'm ok with the fact that I might never be skinny - but I do want to be healthy and well adjusted, I do want to be the best version of myself - the fit, fat girl persona is a lie if I am still eating kilos of chocolate in secret and hiding the wrappers.

It's complex this thing - because there is comfort and ease in what I know but it also scares the hell out of me - that disembodied state that kicks in when the binging starts. That sense of giving up and giving in. That the eating disorder is always going to win.

I saw this quote on Facebook the other day and it resonated with me.

The thing is, the highway to the comfort zone  is an easy drive but it's also boring and there is every chance you'll fall asleep at the wheel and crash into a tree.

The road to really getting the most out of life and the road to your goals and dreams is scary and winding and uncertain - it's hard and you can't use cruise control, you really have to get behind the wheel and drive, but along the way you also pick up passengers such as inspiration, motivation, self esteem and self belief. I want that for me, it's time to start driving again.

How focusing on the 5 km distance got me back up and running

You may remember my post about me walking the 10km event at the Melbourne Marathon last year. I've tried to train to run 10km numerous times over the years and always ended up spending a fortune at the osteopath sorting out lower back and hip issues that kept reoccurring. So I'd swapped my running shoes for walking and spin classes for a while.

Still, with the prospect of my black belt on the horizon, I started thinking about ways to increase my cardiovascular fitness. Hubby had joined a local running group and was really enjoying it and he encouraged me to go along to one of their regular beginners nights. Of course I had all the usual worries about being the fattest and slowest and holding everyone up, but it wasn't like that at all. It was a great group of supportive people who catered for all levels. So I started walk/running about 4km with them twice a week. I didn't have any major issues with my back or hips and the little improvements I was seeing each week spurred me on. 

After a little while I also decided to start coming along to the local parkrun on a Saturday, and set myself the goal of being able to run the whole 5km without stopping. I achieved that after a few weeks and then I set my sights on a sub-35 min time, which I achieved a few weeks ago. 

What's the point of this post? The point is that sometimes setting smaller goals is ok. A lot of people get into running with the goal of running a marathon one day. I've got a lot of friends who run half and full marathons and so I thought I had to at least focus on the 10k to be able to call myself a runner. In pushing myself to achieve that I kept ending up injured and giving up. It wasn't fun.

The point is that you have to start where you are. In focusing on the 5km distance I've actually started to really enjoy running. I'm building the strength in my body and I'm seeing measurable improvements every week. It's fun!!

I've signed up for the 5.7 km run at the Gold Coast marathon next month and I'm looking forward to it. I know I'll be able to do it without causing myself injury or pain. 

I have also signed up for the 10km at the Melbourne marathon in October but at least by that time I'll have built my strength and fitness up to a point that I can do it comfortably rather than pushing my body to do something that it's not ready for.

The point is - it's good to have big scary goals and to challenge yourself, but don't forget to set the little goals along the way that will help you to get there.

Most importantly, don't let anyone (including yourself!) minimise your goals or achievements, or tell you they are not "big" enough - it's all relative!

12 months of no quitting

Remember me?! I'm still here working on my food and body stuff, trying new things, learning more about what works and what doesn't, and I've realised that it's pretty easy to get stuck. 

This realisation came to me during a Taekwondo class a few weeks ago, our instructor had us go through a visioning exercise where we had to think about our ideal life - it got me thinking that I've always had this dream of getting to the point where I could help and inspire other people like me. For years I thought that once I got my weight "under control" I would like to help other women do the same, now I'd like it to be more about inspiring and helping women to take care of themselves, to find and embrace a happy, healthy relationship with food, exercise and their bodies.

The thing holding me back from doing this right now is that I've not really cemented this change in habits and mindset into my own life yet. I'm not striving for perfection - but for more consistency in getting to the gym, eating mindfully and not letting the binge monster take hold.

Inspired by our visioning session in class, I decided to have a coaching session with Michelle last weekend. We got to talking about how I really don't have a lot of faith in myself anymore with regards to seeing things through - I've started and then stopped so many different things over the years that I've come to see myself as a bit of a quitter.

That's when Michelle suggested the concept of setting myself the challenge of "12 months of no quitting". Imagine if I set myself a goal and became determined to achieve it. What if everyday I set the intention that I would not stop? That I would try my best to make sure my decisions were leading me towards, instead of away from that goal? Imagine how much self-esteem and self-belief I could build. Imagine how empowering it would be!

So, that's my current mission - 12 months, no quitting. I'm not talking about anything drastic or extreme - just going to the gym instead of staying in bed an extra hour, eating mindfully instead of binging. I'm going to blog the journey and hopefully inspire others to believe that they are also worth not giving up on.

I'm a week in and already realising it's not going to easy. It's easy to stay stuck in your comfort zone and not have to make an effort - but it also doesn't feel very good. Making a change is harder - but so worth it!

What's your big dream or goal? Want to join me in stopping at nothing to achieve it?

Chocolate Biscuit Therapy

I've said this before - but I used to believe that I was addicted to food, and more specifically sugar. I used to believe this because I used to gorge on large amounts of sugary (and fatty - but interestingly no one talks about fat addiction, in fact lots of people seem to think fat is a superfood these days) foods in one sitting - one or two family blocks of chocolate, whole tubs of ice cream, whole packets of biscuits, eating way beyond the point when I was full, going to bed with a sick stomach and a racing heart, taking medication to control the heartburn that came with eating so much food. It felt like I would go into a trance like state where I wasn't even tasting the food - I just knew I had to have more, I felt out of control and desperate. I felt like I could never have just one or two biscuits - I felt that if I had a block of chocolate in my pantry I would have to gobble it all up in one sitting.

Still it wasn't even the actual food that was the biggest problem for me - it was all the really disordered behaviors that went with it that I felt were even more disturbing - sneaking around trying to make sure no one ever actually saw me eating, hiding the evidence by eating in the car and then stopping on the way home to get rid of the rubbish or not using the bin under my desk to get rid of my wrappers but using the bin in the kitchen, sneaking into the kitchen when no one was around and furiously eating slice after slice of the leftover birthday cake, going to the shops and buying food and hiding it under my jumper for the walk back to my desk so no one could see.

The feelings of shame, the disgust with myself. It's embarrassing to write  about this here but I feel like it's also necessary - it's part of my healing and I hope it will help others as well - I know I can't be the only one who has behaved and felt like this.

Internet diagnosis - Sugar addiction

Internet treatment  - Give up sugar forever and live your life feeling like you can't trust yourself around food.

Actual diagnosis - Binge eating disorder 

Actual treatment (what has worked for me) - Therapy (including choc biscuit therapy which I'll get to soon)! Give up dieting, learn to see all foods as morally neutral, learn to eat a balanced diet, learn to trust yourself around food, stop being afraid of food, learn to love and accept yourself.

I wanted to share with you a little tool I've been using that has helped with my recovery - Chocolate Biscuit Therapy. It's really like exposure therapy that gets used for treatment of other phobias. It's a tool I've been using to help me stop being afraid of my old binge foods, to start trusting myself around those foods and to build a balanced diet that includes some less nutritious foods.

So, most nights, after dinner, I make a cuppa, get 2 chocolate biscuits out of the packet and put them on a plate, and then I sit and enjoy - really enjoy them, eating them mindfully and slowly, while we watch some TV.

I started doing this pretty early on in my recovery and found it was great for teaching myself that I can actually have just a couple of biscuits and that having the packet in the house doesn't mean I have to eat them all at once.

I also learned that the act of getting just two out and putting them on a plate is helpful - it sets a clear boundary in my mind, and helps me to see the biscuits as food, rather than binge food. The times I have eaten more than two have been when I have the packet sitting out in front of me.

I stopped doing it for a while because I thought that maybe I "shouldn't" be getting into the habit of eating sweets after dinner, but I've started again recently because it's actually something I've really come to enjoy and also, funnily enough, it's become like the "full stop" to my eating at the end of a day.

It stops the mindset that to be fit and healthy I have to give up enjoying food.

My eating has become a lot more settled and balanced now that I'm a good six months into recovery and so in that context I'm happy that it fits within my goals of being happy, healthy and "normal" around food.

I have taught myself that It is possible to eat sugar without bingeing on it. It is possible to eat sugar as part of a balanced diet.

Of course this is what has worked for me and what works for you might be different, but I've found it to be quite a powerful tool.

I want to finish by saying this - A lot of people, regardless of if they have an eating disorder or not - believe that they have a "problem" with or are addicted to sugar or even a particular food such as chocolate. I no longer believe that this is due to the chemical properties of that food itself - more so, I believe it's because we think we "shouldn't" be eating those foods, we feel guilt and shame about eating them, and we feel that we should be giving them up - this leads to a perpetual state of "last supper" eating. Something to think about.