Obsession

How do you let go of your obsession with weight in a weight-obsessed world?

How do you let go of food rules when every day there is a new guru with a new list of good and bad foods?

I’ve been struggling with this a lot in the last few days. I think it’s even gotten worse since I pledged to give up perfectionism in my last post.

It’s hard to let go of body hate when you feel good when you leave the house in the morning but then catch a glance of your spare tire in the shop window and you know that there is no point stepping foot in ¾ of clothes shops because nothing will fit you.

I had my final session of group therapy on Saturday morning and I’m feeling a bit rudderless. I feel like I’ve come so far in my journey that I’m back to the start – worrying about my weight.

I’ve spent a crazy amount of time the last couple of days obsessing about food. I’ve been wondering if I should plan a treat into each day or if it is ok to practice some restraint or set some limits like being strict during the week and relaxing on weekends. I went to the supermarket with the intention of buying some chocolate biscuits so I could have one or two each night and walked out with a packet of dates instead. I’ve been checking calories and googling things like “are dates a healthy snack?” (yes, unless you are in the no sugar camp) and “how many treats is it ok to have in a week?” (not even google has the answer for this one). I just want someone to tell me what normal eating looks like!!!

I have absolutely no desire to start counting calories or tracking food again – it is a waste of time and energy and makes me crazy, so why am I searching for another set of rules to follow (to break?!).

The answers I came up with – It’s still very new and a bit scary out here in eat whatever you want land, I don’t trust myself or my body, and, there is still a part of me that want’s to lose weight.

That last part was hard to write and admit to myself and to the world – but it’s true. Sometimes it’s hard to be a plus sized gal in a thin obsessed world.

The positive thing about all of this – I can recognize these thoughts and feelings for what they are – a big black hole and the road back to binging – and take action to pull myself out of it.

I started by reading some entries over at Weightless, especially this one, which made me feel at lot less crazy and alone in this.

I was reminded of the importance of mindfulness. All this stress and worry about my body and about food is worry about the future. I need to concentrate on the here and now and on the things I should be or could be doing with my time instead.

I was reminded about health at every size, and the fact that my size is not who I am. I am healthy, I am working on having a more balanced relationship with food, I am working on getting stronger and fitter. Letting go of weight and food obsession has made me happier and more fun to be around.

I was reminded about what normal eating really is – flexible. I don’t need to be ridgid about having treats everyday or only having them on weekends or not having them at all. I can have them when I really want them. I was also reminded that it is about trusting my body to tell me what it needs. This is clearly still something I need to work on.

I've also realised how important it is to have some resources that you can draw on to pull yourself out of these old thought patterns when they take hold.

I am reminded so so strongly, that recovery is about letting go, and letting go again, and again, and learning self-acceptance, and learning it again and again! It’s a journey, not a destination, and that is ok.