An encounter with the scale.

I've been thinking about my weight a lot again this week. I think it's partly because the scales have been sitting out on the bathroom floor again (I didn't put them there), partly because I've had some frustrating clothes shopping experiences lately, and also partly because whilst I gave up binge eating pretty much immediately when I started group therapy, trying to cut back on the mindless overeating - an extra snack or few bites here and there - has been a lot harder and my progress has been very slow and sometimes non-existent. I've been worried that if this keeps going I'm just going to keep getting bigger and bigger - because you know, self acceptance is great as long as I'm not putting on weight :)

I really need to remind myself that I only really started this journey 4 months ago - I'm actually doing pretty good!

So, back to the scale - they've been sitting there, and I haven't put them away. I think I was trying to prove to myself that my weight didn't matter anymore - that I was over it. Still every morning their call to me has been getting louder. I started wondering if maybe I could just view the number clinically. Maybe if I did just weigh myself once a month it would help me to "stay on track" - my brain is my worst enemy sometimes!!

So this morning I gave in - but the result was actually really positive and surprising - I am the same weight as when I started group 4 months ago! I don't know why this was so surprising really - my clothes support that there hasn't been a big change.

Why was it a positive experience? Because it made me feel like I've got this. Just to be able to maintain my weight is such a big change! I've always been either loosing or gaining, this is probably the most stable my weight has ever been in my life!

I can trust my body, I can trust myself. I don't have to obsess about being perfect with my eating. Our bodies are actually pretty miraculous in their ability to adjust to a little bit extra here and there if we just get out of the way.

So where too now? After weighing myself (3 times and each time getting a slightly different number - which both reinforces to me how unhealthy my relationship with the scale can be and also how bad a judge of progress they are) I put the scales back away. I don't want them to become a regular fixture in my life again and I do want to just keep getting better at self-care and self-acceptance and relaxing! I haven't changed my mind to think that weighing yourself regularly is a positive thing - I don't know what would have happened if the number had been higher than I was "happy" with - I'm a bit conflicted about it actually! I still feel a bit like I did something "wrong" - clearly some work still to do there on all or nothing thinking and being hard on myself!

I'm sharing this because I want this blog to be an honest account of what it's like to be actively trying to change your relationship with food and your body - sometimes it's hard and sometimes we do things that are perhaps ill advised!! I guess it's trying to find the lesson and move forward from those things that are important.