Chocolate Biscuit Therapy

I've said this before - but I used to believe that I was addicted to food, and more specifically sugar. I used to believe this because I used to gorge on large amounts of sugary (and fatty - but interestingly no one talks about fat addiction, in fact lots of people seem to think fat is a superfood these days) foods in one sitting - one or two family blocks of chocolate, whole tubs of ice cream, whole packets of biscuits, eating way beyond the point when I was full, going to bed with a sick stomach and a racing heart, taking medication to control the heartburn that came with eating so much food. It felt like I would go into a trance like state where I wasn't even tasting the food - I just knew I had to have more, I felt out of control and desperate. I felt like I could never have just one or two biscuits - I felt that if I had a block of chocolate in my pantry I would have to gobble it all up in one sitting.

Still it wasn't even the actual food that was the biggest problem for me - it was all the really disordered behaviors that went with it that I felt were even more disturbing - sneaking around trying to make sure no one ever actually saw me eating, hiding the evidence by eating in the car and then stopping on the way home to get rid of the rubbish or not using the bin under my desk to get rid of my wrappers but using the bin in the kitchen, sneaking into the kitchen when no one was around and furiously eating slice after slice of the leftover birthday cake, going to the shops and buying food and hiding it under my jumper for the walk back to my desk so no one could see.

The feelings of shame, the disgust with myself. It's embarrassing to write  about this here but I feel like it's also necessary - it's part of my healing and I hope it will help others as well - I know I can't be the only one who has behaved and felt like this.

Internet diagnosis - Sugar addiction

Internet treatment  - Give up sugar forever and live your life feeling like you can't trust yourself around food.

Actual diagnosis - Binge eating disorder 

Actual treatment (what has worked for me) - Therapy (including choc biscuit therapy which I'll get to soon)! Give up dieting, learn to see all foods as morally neutral, learn to eat a balanced diet, learn to trust yourself around food, stop being afraid of food, learn to love and accept yourself.

I wanted to share with you a little tool I've been using that has helped with my recovery - Chocolate Biscuit Therapy. It's really like exposure therapy that gets used for treatment of other phobias. It's a tool I've been using to help me stop being afraid of my old binge foods, to start trusting myself around those foods and to build a balanced diet that includes some less nutritious foods.

So, most nights, after dinner, I make a cuppa, get 2 chocolate biscuits out of the packet and put them on a plate, and then I sit and enjoy - really enjoy them, eating them mindfully and slowly, while we watch some TV.

I started doing this pretty early on in my recovery and found it was great for teaching myself that I can actually have just a couple of biscuits and that having the packet in the house doesn't mean I have to eat them all at once.

I also learned that the act of getting just two out and putting them on a plate is helpful - it sets a clear boundary in my mind, and helps me to see the biscuits as food, rather than binge food. The times I have eaten more than two have been when I have the packet sitting out in front of me.

I stopped doing it for a while because I thought that maybe I "shouldn't" be getting into the habit of eating sweets after dinner, but I've started again recently because it's actually something I've really come to enjoy and also, funnily enough, it's become like the "full stop" to my eating at the end of a day.

It stops the mindset that to be fit and healthy I have to give up enjoying food.

My eating has become a lot more settled and balanced now that I'm a good six months into recovery and so in that context I'm happy that it fits within my goals of being happy, healthy and "normal" around food.

I have taught myself that It is possible to eat sugar without bingeing on it. It is possible to eat sugar as part of a balanced diet.

Of course this is what has worked for me and what works for you might be different, but I've found it to be quite a powerful tool.

I want to finish by saying this - A lot of people, regardless of if they have an eating disorder or not - believe that they have a "problem" with or are addicted to sugar or even a particular food such as chocolate. I no longer believe that this is due to the chemical properties of that food itself - more so, I believe it's because we think we "shouldn't" be eating those foods, we feel guilt and shame about eating them, and we feel that we should be giving them up - this leads to a perpetual state of "last supper" eating. Something to think about.

The moderation experiment

January is a hard time to be an advocate for moderation. With all the New Years resolutions it seems every body is giving up something. I've heard about people giving up sugar, doing paleo challenges, doing the Whole30, giving up bread and giving up carbs. It's been so hard to bite my tongue! I feel like if I hear one more person talk about their diet I'm going to scream - still, I have to remind myself it took me a good 15 years to get where I am now - in fact in 2013 I asked for Paleo cook books for Christmas!

Everybody is on their own journey and I respect that. I haven't really come up with a respectful way to suggest that maybe all of this restriction isn't really necessary in conversations, so I tend to just smile and nod. But, this blog is my space and I've put myself out here to challenge the diet and restriction culture we live in - so I am going to use today's blog to ask - Why do so many people believe you have to give up something to be fitter, healthier and, if that is one of your goals, loose weight?

In my experience - all you really have to give up is dieting and restriction (and, as a consequence of that, binging). You have to stop labelling foods as good and bad and attaching your self worth to what you eat - and really, that's not giving up anything at all - it's gaining a whole lot of freedom!

It's not very sexy though, is it? This moderation concept. I sometimes wonder if we don't feel like we deserve health unless we have deprived ourselves to get there - do we feel like we have to earn it?

I've started my own moderation experiment this year - I am keeping a food diary and sending it to a personal trainer friend once a week. I'm just writing down what I eat, no counting of anything. I just felt like I needed this little bit of accountability to get me to actually think about what I am eating. Mindfulness is something that takes practice and when you have spent most of your life not even really tasting your food having an external reminder of what you are doing is helpful. Still, in the two weeks I have been keeping my food diary I have still eaten pizza, chocolate, ice-cream, cake and lots of bread and oats! I've also had a few glasses of wine and beer. The difference is that I am eating all of these things consciously - I am tasting them fully and stopping when I have had enough. Sometimes I clear my plate, sometimes I don't. I'm looking at my food intake as a whole over the week and trying to balance it out rather than letting one "bad" choice lead me down the spiral of binging - and I have lost weight without feeling deprived.

I think this is something that "normal eaters" do automatically, but for now keeping the food diary is the tool I am using to help me get there.

A pretty remarkable thing has happened - I've found I'm becoming less and less afraid of food. Invitations out to dinner aren't tinged with the fear that I'm going to "ruin" my diet. I was given a massive box of Lindt balls last weekend and I still have some left. In the past I would have either - eaten them all in one sitting, thrown them away immediately or eaten half of them in one sitting and then thrown the rest away! It's madness! 

Advocates of the Paleo diet or other low carb high fat diets say that the food pyramid is wrong and is what has lead to the "obesity crisis". I just don't believe that is true - how many people really follow the food pyramid? How much of the results attributable to these diets is actually because people start paying attention to what they are eating and start choosing less processed options and eating more veggies? I tend to believe that's the real "miracle" of these diets. You can achieve the same by choosing to eat more mindfully - without all the restriction that comes with it.

I really don't think it's necessary to micromanage your food intake and severely restrict food groups or food in general to be healthy. I'm setting out to prove that this year!

The biggest argument for moderation for me is that is the most powerful tool I've found for stoping binging. When you are not constantly feeling like you are being good or bad, on track or off track, food just becomes food - something we all need and something to enjoy but not something to be obsessed with.

I encourage everyone to try it!

2015 - A Kick Ass Year

New Year's resolutions seem to be getting a bit cliche, and I know that I have made many of them over the years that I have failed to achieve - guess what most of them have been about? Yup, weight loss.

Still with the dawning of the New Year I felt it was an ideal time to really create a vision for myself going forward. To take everything I have learned about myself over the last 12 months of my no dieting, body positive journey and turn that into a way of life that works for me.

I've been thinking a lot about how I reconcile the seemingly competing goals that still reside within me. I want to love and feel good about myself, not just at a certain weight, but right now. I want self acceptance and self-esteem and I don't believe I have to be skinny to achieve that. I do not want to count calories, cut out carbs, live on a liquid diet or obsess about food. I do want to achieve a balance in my diet that I have never had before. I want to be free of binging, but I want to be conscious of what I am feeding my body. I want to be fitter and stronger and yes I would like to carry less body fat, but I do not want my weight or pants size to rule my life.

The answer to reconciling all of this seems to have come to me in the form of a new goal - over the last 12 months of training in Taekwondo, I have become increasingly excited about the prospect of earning my black belt. 6 women achieved theirs at the end of the year and I thought yep, I want that.

If everything goes according to plan, my Black Belt grading will happen in early 2016. So I am treating 2015 as my opportunity to get ready both physically and mentally.

With this in mind, I present to you my 2015 Vision

There are a number of aspects to my vision board. Obviously the Black belt is in a prominent place as this is what I really want to be the thing that drives me in the day to day decisions I make through the year. Written in the white space of the picture is "A Black Belt is a White Belt who never gave up".

I've also included a number of other inspirational TKD related quotes and pictures. 

In the middle are two bibs from 10k events I ran/walked and walked in 2014. I'd like to be able to run a full 10k without stopping by the end of 2015 so these are a reminder of that. The increased physical fitness will also help with my TKD training.

The food stuff is in the middle and bottom. A reminder to eat mindfully and also a copy of the pictorial from the Australian Guide to healthy eating. This is to remind me of the balance I am striving for in my relationship with food. A reminder not to get lured in my fads, extremes and quick fixes.

I've also got a quote reminding me to workout because I love my body and not so I can love my body.

I've included my blog logo as I would like to be a more active blogger. I love reading about other people's journey's and I hope that people will enjoy reading about mine as well. It's also been a really good way for me to work through my feelings.

Up the top right hand is a copy of a sign designating a Black Ski run. This is another goal of mine this year - I have the skills - now I just need to get over the fear!

To be honest it's the mental and not the physical stuff that scares me and holds me back the most.

I know that if I am consistent with my training and food then the physical strength and fitness will come.

It's my self belief that lets me down. I've realised that I've really eroded my sense of self belief over the years - every time I told myself I would lose X kg in Y amount of time and failed to get there I let a little piece of me die. Every time I turned back from a ski run because it looked to hard I told myself I would never be able to do it. I still feel like quitting every time I think about having to put my foot or hand through a plank of wood as I get higher in my TKD gradings. 

This is why I think having the Black Belt is a great goal to have - because with every little step I take I'm going to be building myself back up. I'm going to be telling myself that I can. My body and my mind will reap the benefits of that.

I'm ready to step into my power. It's exciting! Here's to making 2015 a kick ass year!!

Feeling stuck in a "camp"

Do you get stuck in "camps"? I know I do.

I've been in the Weight Watcher's camp, I've been in the low carb camp, the paleo camp, the calorie counting camp. Lately I feel like I'm stuck in a camp consisting of the confluence of the HAES, Body Positivity and Mindful eating camps.

The problem I'm having is that having so publicly stated my allegiance to this camp makes me kinda feel like I'm not allowed to think for myself any more.

The specific thing I am struggling with is that it feels like if you are a body positive advocate, you can't be actively trying to change your body. You are just have to accept that if you eat mindfully and get some exercise your body weight will stabilise where it is supposed to (people will disagree with me on this and that is fine - this is just me stating how I feel). 

The more reading I do the more stuck I get, for every argument for HAES there is one against it, for every person saying there is pretty much no point in trying to reduce your body fat there is another saying that it is possible. It's exhausting!

Can't you accept your body where it is but want to change it as well? Isn't there some middle ground?

This is what I have decided that I want to find out.

The thing is, that all of these camps actually have something to offer. The all encourage you to really think about what you are eating, some of them encourage eating mostly whole foods, some of them encourage moderation and balance.

I really struggle with moderation and balance and I think it's because I've been stuck in extreme camps for so long. This is what I loved about Go Kaleo when I first started reading her stuff - she's all about the moderation.

I've said before that overeating really just feels like a habit to me now, it's feels hard to have to think about and plan what I am eating and easy to just eat whatever! I feel like I've come a really long way towards accepting myself and now I am ready to move into the next phase - really putting what I've learned into practice but also tweaking it to be what works for me and what supports my goals.

I want to be a body positive advocate, who also advocates for moderation and balance with food, I want to advocate for your body being you business, I want to encourage you not to be a fanatic but to do what works and feels right for you. I want to get fitter and I do want to be lighter - not because I hate myself or I think there is anything wrong with me, but because I want to be able to run again, I want to be as fit as I can be, when I go for my black belt in 2016 I want to step on that mat knowing that I am ready and that I am the best version of myself that I can be.

What's the point of this post? I guess I am trying to tell you that you should think for yourself. Yes, read, learn, experiment - find out what works for you! It's ok to take a bit from each camp and make it your own. Following someone else's ideals is what keeps you stuck. I'm moving into camp Lauren!

Moving forward

I've taken a little bit of time off from my blog recently to really think about how I want to move forward.

You see, I've been feeling a bit stuck lately. Stuck between the part of me that still wants to fit into all that smaller stuff I packed away a few weeks ago and the part that has just recently bought a whole heap of clothes that fit me now.

Stuck between the person who has radically transformed my relationship with food and my body and the person who knows I still have a way to go - I'm not quite there yet.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I'm looking pretty good, other times I really wish I did not have that roll of fat around my waist - it just makes everything sit wrong!

I have made great inroads into accepting myself more and I've been branching out with my fashion choices, it feels good to wear dresses and skirts (and bare my legs!) now that the weather is warming up - I will not spend another summer hiding myself in jeans, or wearing full length leggings under all my skirts! I've been wearing more makeup and having lots of fun dressing up and curling my hair - it feels good!

Still, because I have been focusing so much on clothes and how I look I feel that I've lost focus of what it was that lead me down this path in the first place, and that is what I think has been derailing me a little bit. What I'm really trying to achieve is a healthy relationship with food and my body and to be happy, healthy and fit.

I saw and heard a couple of things this week that really helped me to clarify my goals again. The first one was this infographic from Precision Nutrition.

It's one of those things that you can take what you like and leave what you don't from. But I just thought this was one of the more balanced pieces of information I had seen on what it really takes to achieve a really lean physique.

For me - I'm not a particularly big fan of the way it seems to suggest you can basically just dial in your body fat percentage, I also didn't like the reference to being able to reduce or eliminate medications - for some people this is just not possible no matter how fit and healthy they are, and that is ok! I alway use my husband in this example - he is a healthy weight and ran two marathons this year but still takes blood pressure medication - it's just one of those things.

However, the things I did like about if far outweighed those that I didn't. I loved the really really wide range of behaviours and eating styles that were represented as being "healthy". I liked the focus on other aspects of lifestyle such as sleep and eating slowly.

What I also loved was the focus on trade-offs and also the bit at the bottom that spoke about choosing your goals and also choosing what you are willing to do and also not willing to do. I just don't know that I've ever seen it represented like this. The diet and fitness industry seems to sell the message that we all should be willing to do whatever it takes to get a "bikini body" or a six pack. Whereas I feel like this graphic is saying - it's ok if you are not willing to give up friday night drinks, you can still be happy and healthy. We all have different priorities and goals and that is ok!

The best bit - the focus towards the end on what it takes to get that "cover model" look - lots of micromanaging of food and exercise and often a bit of help from photoshop! It also highlights the fact that even body builders really only look like this on competition day, by manipulating their carbohydrate and fluid intake in the days before the comp.

I think a set of guidelines like this can be really helpful for people who have a history of disordered eating instead of wandering around in the dark.

The other thing that gave me a bit of a wake up was seeing was an "off season" photo shoot two fitness models had posted on Facebook where they spoke about being insecure about people seeing them like that, and overhearing a lady speak about how she hates looking at herself in the mirror since having a baby. I just thought, it shouldn't be like this. We should be celebrating post-baby bodies for the miracle of life they created, we should be celebrating off-season bodies for the gains we are making that we can show of when competition time rolls around around. We should be celebrating ALL bodies for the awesome vehicles they are, not for what they look like in the mirror.

So - where to from here. I'm going to get back in touch with my original goals - happy, healthy and fit. I'm going to actually start following those healthily life goals I set myself a few weeks ago and also using the guidelines around the 23-25% body fat percentage in the Precision Nutrition graphic to guide my eating - not because I am hoping to get to that body fat percentage, but because I think they are realistic and balanced guidelines for a mere mortal like me!

It feels good to have renewed focus and calmness again - I've been floating around in the dark and not taking great care of myself lately. I'm looking forward to feeling good again!

Do you see your body as your biggest indicator of success (or failure)

So - here's a blog / ramble I've been thinking about but been too scared to write for a while now - scared because it's possibly a bit controversial and I'm not into conflict!!

It's also a bit of an insight into how my mind works and how much of a mind boggle this whole self acceptance journey can be - I still alternate pretty regularly between thinking I should lose weight and thinking I should focus my time and energy on other things.

What I have been pondering is this - why do so many of us see our bodies as our biggest (and sometimes only) indicator of success or failure?

Why do we spend so much time, energy and money trying to achieve the "perfect body"? Or worrying that we never will?

Isn't this just the ultimate display of vanity and self-absorption? Not to mention a mechanism for torturing ourselves and always feeling like we aren't good enough.

But then again you could argue that starting a blog is pretty vain and self-absorbed too - why do I think people care what I have to say?

Still, wouldn't this time, energy and money be better spent on other pursuits? When did we stop working towards ending hunger in Africa and start working on looking good in a bikini?

I also love dressing up, curling my hair and wearing make-up - does that make me a hypocrite?

Am I just feeding into making people feel guilty now? That is not my intention - it certainly does seem like there is always a reason to feel bad these days. I spend plenty of money on things I don't need and time playing mindless iPhone games - so who am I to judge anyone else for what they spend their time and money on?

All of the "fitpso" images say "strong is the new skinny". Why is this seen as being "inspirational"? I'm more inspired by the women who are actually out there making a difference in the world. I'm inspired by people who overcome adversity to achieve great things, and I'm inspired by people who have the dedication and commitment to do things like run marathons, but I don't think visible abs are particularly inspiring.

Why do we congratulate people who have lost weight and tell them we are proud of them? Sure, it takes a lot of hard work - but so do lots of other things. Why do other successes seem to pale in comparison? Why is the internet filled with before and after weight loss photos and not of people getting degrees? When was the last time you complemented someone on their empathy, joyfulness or for being a good friend?

I've started this post by saying some pretty inflammatory things - there's probably people reading this thinking that I'm just jealous that I'm not skinny. Well yeah, I still have pretty regular thoughts about being "too big". I tried on some new clothes the other day and I looked in the mirror and I thought "Geez, I am huge!" My point is - so fucking what if I'm huge?!

Yes, we should look after ourselves - we need to sleep, play, eat a balanced diet and get some exercise.

But this body obsession - I just don't think it's good for us as individuals or for the world. Think about what else you could be achieving - you are so much more than your body. What about the things you are putting off until you lose weight? Why can't you do them now?

I'm confused about how I feel about this myself because I'm all about "my body, my business". If you want to focus on becoming faster, stronger, leaner, and that makes you happy then more power too you, but I guess I am wondering if maybe obsession with our bodies is the modern day opiate of the masses?

I'm not saying that people shouldn't have goals relating to fitness or anything else that relates primarily to the self. It's good to challenge yourself - it's what makes life interesting! I think what I'm really ranting against is when this focus on the body becomes all consuming and something that robs us of our self-esteem and happiness. It's the lack of balance in the messages we receive - which all seem to say we are only good enough if we have a "bikini body" - nothing else seems to matter. Maybe you will never have a six pack or run a marathon and that's ok!! Maybe you can discover the cure for cancer instead! Maybe you are good at making people laugh, maybe you give awesome hugs! Maybe you donate to charity. All of these are things you can be proud of. There are a million ways to be an awesome person that have nothing to do with your body fat percentage.

Why don't we celebrate our bodies as a vehicle for all that awesomeness instead of trying to change them all the time?

As I said - I've been ruminating on this for a while now and still feeling pretty torn about my position. Please know that I am not trying to attack, judge or shame anyone. I'm far from perfect, I still obsess about my body, I have fitness goals and I am definitely not over in Africa making a difference. Maybe I am just overthinking the whole thing? 

Does it all just boil down to the fact that we all have different goals, lifestyles, ideals, aspirations and dreams, and that that is ok?

When does it stop being about individual goals and start becoming about being sucked in by the multi-billion dollar diet and beauty industries?

 

Where is the line between health and obsession? And is obsession always a bad thing?

I thought I'd put this all out here and see what you all think - I'd love to hear your thoughts.

An encounter with the scale.

I've been thinking about my weight a lot again this week. I think it's partly because the scales have been sitting out on the bathroom floor again (I didn't put them there), partly because I've had some frustrating clothes shopping experiences lately, and also partly because whilst I gave up binge eating pretty much immediately when I started group therapy, trying to cut back on the mindless overeating - an extra snack or few bites here and there - has been a lot harder and my progress has been very slow and sometimes non-existent. I've been worried that if this keeps going I'm just going to keep getting bigger and bigger - because you know, self acceptance is great as long as I'm not putting on weight :)

I really need to remind myself that I only really started this journey 4 months ago - I'm actually doing pretty good!

So, back to the scale - they've been sitting there, and I haven't put them away. I think I was trying to prove to myself that my weight didn't matter anymore - that I was over it. Still every morning their call to me has been getting louder. I started wondering if maybe I could just view the number clinically. Maybe if I did just weigh myself once a month it would help me to "stay on track" - my brain is my worst enemy sometimes!!

So this morning I gave in - but the result was actually really positive and surprising - I am the same weight as when I started group 4 months ago! I don't know why this was so surprising really - my clothes support that there hasn't been a big change.

Why was it a positive experience? Because it made me feel like I've got this. Just to be able to maintain my weight is such a big change! I've always been either loosing or gaining, this is probably the most stable my weight has ever been in my life!

I can trust my body, I can trust myself. I don't have to obsess about being perfect with my eating. Our bodies are actually pretty miraculous in their ability to adjust to a little bit extra here and there if we just get out of the way.

So where too now? After weighing myself (3 times and each time getting a slightly different number - which both reinforces to me how unhealthy my relationship with the scale can be and also how bad a judge of progress they are) I put the scales back away. I don't want them to become a regular fixture in my life again and I do want to just keep getting better at self-care and self-acceptance and relaxing! I haven't changed my mind to think that weighing yourself regularly is a positive thing - I don't know what would have happened if the number had been higher than I was "happy" with - I'm a bit conflicted about it actually! I still feel a bit like I did something "wrong" - clearly some work still to do there on all or nothing thinking and being hard on myself!

I'm sharing this because I want this blog to be an honest account of what it's like to be actively trying to change your relationship with food and your body - sometimes it's hard and sometimes we do things that are perhaps ill advised!! I guess it's trying to find the lesson and move forward from those things that are important.