Progress not perfection

There is a saying, commonly attributed to Voltaire, that states “the perfect is the enemy of the good”. There is also the principle generally referred to as the law of diminishing returns which, simplistically speaking, states that the amount of time, effort and energy put into achieving a task or outcome will have less and less impact, the closer you get to the outcome – the amount of time and effort put into achieving perfection is effectively wasted.

In our attempts to diet, loose weight, get fitter and otherwise manipulate our bodies we often set incredibly lofty (unrealistic?) goals both around the outcome – I will loose 10 kg in 5 weeks – and how we will achieve it – I’ll exercise 7 days a week and eat only 1200 calories a day.

This perfectionistic or “all or nothing” thinking sets us up for failure. It’s the mechanism that turns missing one day at the gym into missing a whole week and eating one piece of chocolate into eating the whole block. If you’re not going to meet your goals you may as well blow them completely out of the water – right?

In giving up dieting I’ve tried to let go of this mentality. Accepting my body as it is has been a big part of that. Refocusing my goals has been essential. I also now know that I can have a piece of cake whenever I want because I know that one piece of cake wont undo all my progress and I don’t “have” to eat the whole cake today because I wont be “allowed” to eat any tomorrow.

It’s hard to let go of this mentality though. Saturday is the last session of group and as this milestone has been approaching I’ve found myself trying to force my progress towards being “fixed”. I’ve been making rules about how many treats I should have and on what days I should have them. I’ve had bad body image days that have made me think about counting calories (while still eating intuitively?!) and getting the scales out again. I’ve tried to turn intuitive eating into another diet – something that has to be done perfectly. I’ve been stressing about if I’m full or hungry or somewhere in between, or if I’m eating too much chocolate or if I will put on 1,000 kg because I often still eat my dinner in front of the TV. All of this pressure was starting to make the thoughts about binging kick back in.

I started reading The “fuck it” diet blog last week and it clicked for me – I’d been letting the perfect get in the way of the good. It really doesn’t matter if I eat in front of the TV – the fact is I haven’t had a binge in months. What does it matter if I still overeat occasionally? I can trust my body to adjust my next meal time accordingly. How often do “normal” eaters take 5 deep breaths before they start eating? Getting in tune with your bodies signals is good, turning it into one more thing you have to do perfectly is bad. It denies you the ability and chance to learn how to really trust your body. It takes up time and energy that could be spent doing something more worthwhile.

I’m giving up on perfection. I’m giving up on food rules. There is no such thing as the perfect diet, perfect health or a perfect way of living, eating or moving. I’m just going to do more of what feels good and less of what doesn’t. Will you join me?

What are you really hungry for?

I’ve always been an inquisitive person. It seems I was born asking “why am I here?” and “what is my purpose?” I’ve read the Hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy and the answer “42” just didn’t cut it for me.

All of this questioning and wondering has lead to a lot of self-evaluation and also self-doubt over the years. In high school I rejected the teachings of organised religion and pursued the sciences instead. For a number of years I wanted to be an astronomer – I thought maybe I’d find the answer in the stars until I realised how much math and physics was involved! I settled for a degree in Chemistry instead.

Still I spent my twenties searching. I’ve been on spiritual quests, but mostly this shows up nowadays in my career path. I’m searching for “the job” that is going to make everything fall into place for me. I’ve changed jobs a number of times, I’ve started and then dropped out of uni degrees and other courses. Despite making quite a comfortable life for myself with much to be thankful for, I’ve not been able to settle, I’m restless.

In group on Saturday we talked about ways to prevent binging using “the D’s”, the main ones being Do (something else), Delay, Deal (with the emotions/problem behind the urge) and Distract. We started to talk about asking ourselves “what am I really hungry for?” when we are feeling the urge to binge. I started talking about this eternal quest that I seem to be on and I had a realisation –

I think I’ve been using food to fill the space where I feel “the answers” should be

Realising this has been a bit of a game changer for me. Nobody has all the answers, so why am I so desperate for them? Why do I let cause me so much anxiety and prevent me from being happy? I decided that I’m going to try and settle for a while and see how that works – because life is pretty good! I’m going to try and stop filling the void with food and stop worrying about the future and instead focus on the present. I’m going to fill my life with family, friends, travel, laughter, blogging, getting healthy, meditating, colouring in, being my best at work and living a vibrant life. Sounds like a good alternative to me!

If binging is a problem for you I would encourage you to have a think about the question “what am I really hungry for?” next time you get the urge to binge. The answer might be something simple like "a hug" or "a good cry" or it could be something bigger - either way it could give you lots of useful information on the things you could be doing instead.

Moving towards intuitive eating - What has worked for me

I’ve read quite a few books on intuitive/mindful approaches to eating over the years – some good one’s, if you are interested are

Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch

If not dieting, then what? by Dr. Rick Kausman

Women Food and God by Geneen Roth

You can probably guess that, given the number of books I’ve read on the subject, I was never able to successfully implement this approach in my life until now, and even then, it’s still very much a work in progress.

I believe that the problem is that in the past I was always looking at this approach as another way to loose weight, and some of these books are even written with that familiar promise. Whilst I think it’s true that many people who have issues with compulsive overeating and binging are sitting above their natural weight, I’ve come to think that a focus on a weight loss outcome is really counterproductive to healing your relationship with food.

For me weight loss has always meant food restriction, and for me food restriction always leads to binging. When I read these books years ago I just didn’t believe that I could eat what I wanted when I wanted and loose weight. I didn’t trust my body. I didn’t know what it was to really listen to its messages. I also thought that when I started eating what I wanted when I wanted I would just keep eating and eating and eating, and I was terrified of getting any bigger than I already was.

For intuitive eating to work for me I had to learn to accept myself as I am. I had to let go of the goal weight I’ve had in my head all of my adult life. I had to accept that maybe in the process of getting well I would gain some weight as I worked my way to a more balanced approach to eating and exercise.

When I first decided to give up dieting at the beginning of the year, I did gain weight, because I was still binging. I believe now that I was still binging because I still believed that one day the restriction was going to have to come. Even when I signed up for group therapy I still believed that the recommendation to not try to actively loose weight through the process of recovery did not apply to be. I was determined that by the end of the program I would be lighter.

Well, I am lighter – but not in the way I expected. It all clicked into placed for me my first week of group, when the message was put across very firmly (but compassionately), that the aim of the group is not weight loss, and that attempts at weight loss would set back our progress. I decided that maybe it was time I trusted a new approach. I went home and hid my scales in the cupboard and have not stood on them since.

Once I let go of the weight loss goal, the binging stopped pretty much overnight. I’m now just slowly (sometimes it feels like crawling, or learning to walk!) working my way to a more balanced way of eating that feels good for me.

If you are interested in giving it a go, here are some reassurances, tips and tricks I have picked up along the way:

-       Get comfortable with your current weight, I’m not saying it will never change, but for now accept that it is what it is

-       You might eat more “fun” foods than usual at the start if this is something that has been very restricted before – don’t freak out!

-       You won’t just keep eating and eating and eating – I promise

-       Sometimes you will crave chocolate, sometimes you will crave vegetables – yes really!! Especially if the balance has been tipped a bit too far in chocolate’s favour

-       Practice mindful eating – eat when you are hungry and stop when you are full. Make the time and space to practice eating in a quiet, calm place with no distractions so you can really get in tune with your bodies signals

-       Keep a food diary, even if just for a couple of weeks – no calorie (or other) counting!! Instead write done how hungry you were before and after eating, and anything else that is relevant, thoughts, feelings etc.

-       Pack more food for your day than you think you will need, keep some emergency snacks in your desk drawer at work – this can help prevent a “hungry” day from turning into a binge day

-       Surround yourself with body positivity – there are lots of blogs and Facebook pages out there to drown out all the other crap in your newsfeed

-       Start doing some exercise you enjoy

-       Don’t give up. Change is hard and scary sometimes, it’s also so worth it.

-       Love yourself, be kind and patient

-       Learn to deal with difficult thoughts and feelings in a way that doesn’t involve eating – The Happiness Trap, by Dr Russ Harris is a great resource for this

-       If you are struggling, consider getting some professional help, this can be invaluable!

Book Review - Body Respect by Dr. Linda Bacon and Dr. Lucy Aphramor

Dr. Linda Bacon is one of the pioneers of the Health at Every Size (HAES) movement. Her ground breaking book on the subject was released in 2008 and is also currently on my "to read" list!

Her new book, co-authored with Dr. Lucy Aphramor is titled "Body Respect - What conventional health books get wrong, leave out and just plain fair to understand weight" is a short and to the point read that debunks many of the fallacies we have been lead to believe about weight and what that means for our health and introduces a  new paradigm for how we may achieve the best health outcomes.

It is a wide ranging book which covers the real factors that influence health outcomes, why dieting doesn't work and why it actually makes us fatter over time, how to view the body with respect and how to use this new paradigm to move to a health based model for looking after ourselves.

Perhaps the most surprising assertion for me in the book was that it is not weight, but rather socio-economic status and the stresses that come with being in a disadvantaged social group that are the biggest predictors of poor health. The book goes on to say that the stereo-type of the high powered executive dying of a heart attack is false - it is their subordinates that are more likely to suffer from poor health outcomes.

It's interesting that I was so surprised by this - because when you really think about it it really makes a lot of sense that those people who have the least control of and the least number of choices about their lives would have the worst health, but I think the message that weight is the be all and end all of health is sold to us so strongly that it is hard to wrap your head around a different reality.

Another interesting point was that apparently a number of studies have shown that statistically speaking the "optimal" BMI (even in its very limited usefulness) is apparently 27 - this is only 3 points away from what is considered "obese" but 8 points away from the low range of what is considered healthy!! How many people do you know who are always trying to loose the last 5kg - for what?! Maybe this is why they are notoriously so hard to loose - our bodies are smarter than us. 

Here are a few other insights from the book that really resonated with me -

On the damaging effects of dieting -

"issues with weight regulation often start when we try to take over the process of weight control by aiming to be a certain weight and following food rules to try and reach that weight. This leads to a troubled relationship with food, body (self) hatred, and metabolic responses to inadequate nourishment and stress. The result is escalating weights and poorer health, not slimming down."

"... your body is enormously successful at regulating your weight. It's not something we need to "work at" - in fact, this "control" approach ends up being counterproductive. Healthy bodies will always come in a range of shapes and sizes. So saying that eating to one's appetite means someone will stabilise at their healthy weight isn't the same as saying everyone who does this will be thin."

"Yo-yo dieting habituates you metabolism to store extra fat as soon as a diet ends, in preparation for the next perceived shortage. Dieting thus becomes one of the quickest routes to long-term weight gain"

"guilt messes with your metabolism and weight-regulation system"

On the expectation that we should all fit a "mould" with respect to size -

"Why do we all have different set-points? We might as well ask why we are different heights, as the answer is the same (think about why we ask one question and not the other)."

On privilege - 

"people who really do have meaningful choices about what to eat and whether to exercises are also privileged by wider social determinants"

"health risks associated with fatness in women are greater in cultures that value thinness and support dieting"

On a different way of eating and looking after ourselves -

"go to the table hungry but not famished, enjoy your food, and eat until you are satisfied"

 and 

"minding the body" - taking care of all of our needs in a respectful, caring and nourishing way.

All up, I think the book is an excellent introduction to the HAES philosophy and I especially liked the systematic refuting of many of the things we all believe to be true about the health effects associated with weight. I would really recommend it to anyone starting out on the journey towards body acceptance or looking for an alternative to a lifetime of dieting.

The book also provides some insights about how to move forward with these new insights, but I do wish it had gone further with detailing how issues with food and poor body image can be overcome - however, there are plenty of other resources out there that discuss this.

Treat your body with respect - it will thank you for it!

Do something you love, Do something that challenges you, if you can do them both at the same time!

Ever since I was a little girl I've always been frightened to the point of paralysis of activities where I perceive there is a risk of getting hurt or even dying (I'm melodramatic, I know!). I hated going on rides as a kid, I've lost count of the number of times my dad tried to teach me how to abseil but I just never could take the step off the ledge. I remember a year seven camp where I must have gotten in and out of the harness for the flying fox about 20 times before I finally did it - all of the other kids just launched themselves off the first time! I think this boils down to having a bit of a problem with trusting my body and not being in control.

As I've gotten older, the fear has faded a bit - I love going on rides now as long as they don't involve a free fall - I still hate that feeling! but it is still with me. The thing is nowadays I recognise the opportunity for growth that can exist in pushing past that fear and showing yourself what your body and/or your mind is actually capable of. 

By now, you'll know that I'm an advocate of participating in physical activity, but that I believe you should do something that you enjoy. I think if that thing is also something that pushes your boundaries a bit it's a great opportunity to grow and to focus on some goals that might involve your body, but are not dependent on weight loss. For me two such activities are Taekwondo and Skiing.

I started doing Taekwondo at Push Women's Only Taekwondo Centre just over a year ago and it's been such a positive experience! I'd always been curious about martial arts, and the women's only environment creates a really safe space. Our instructor Michelle is an amazing teacher and all round inspiration and the rest of the women are all so supportive and encouraging.

The big challenge for me so far came early on when we first started practicing sparring - we wear shields but it's still pretty confronting to be repeatedly kicked by someone even if you are able to kick them back! I was really intimidated and after the second time I actually started crying when I got in the car to go home!! I will admit, I was tempted to quit after that, but everything else was so much fun I kept going and after each time it got less and less difficult. I'm still not 100% comfortable but I'm getting there. I've generally been someone who shy's away from confrontation so it's been good for me to go on the attack! I've noticed that this has translated to increased assertiveness in other areas of my life which is an empowering thing.

The sparring in particular is also quite physically demanding and this has provided me with a non-weight related reason to work towards increasing my fitness. 

I've included a couple of photos from my gradings where I achieved my yellow and blue belts - I think the smile says it all! The sense of achievement is such an awesome thing. Can't wait for that black belt!

I learnt to ski about 8 years ago and there has been quite a number of tears along the way - yes I am a crier! However, nothing beats the feeling of becoming really comfortable on a slope that once seemed daunting or getting to the bottom of a new slope for the first time. Below is a photo of me from last weekend - you can see I now go so fast that I set the snow on fire!

I've gotten to the point where my skill level is pretty good - but the fear is really holding me back, I know that to get better I'm going to have to take that next step to some harder slopes but I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to do it. I have made a promise to myself that the next time I go skiing I'm going to try a black run - so now that I've committed publicly I'm going to have to do it!! Skiing is one activity where I feel like my weight really doesn't matter - it's strength and stamina that makes the difference and again wanting to become better on the slopes is something that drives me to improve my fitness.

Both of these activities are things that really get me in touch with and grounded in my body and have given me a new appreciation of it. This is why I think it can be good to do something challenging - When you really have to work with and use your body to achieve something you have to be "in" it. When you overcome your fear and achieve something you didn't think you could you become grateful for the body that allowed that to happen. You become braver, stronger and prouder and you start to believe in yourself. What's not to love about that.