Moving forward

I've taken a little bit of time off from my blog recently to really think about how I want to move forward.

You see, I've been feeling a bit stuck lately. Stuck between the part of me that still wants to fit into all that smaller stuff I packed away a few weeks ago and the part that has just recently bought a whole heap of clothes that fit me now.

Stuck between the person who has radically transformed my relationship with food and my body and the person who knows I still have a way to go - I'm not quite there yet.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I'm looking pretty good, other times I really wish I did not have that roll of fat around my waist - it just makes everything sit wrong!

I have made great inroads into accepting myself more and I've been branching out with my fashion choices, it feels good to wear dresses and skirts (and bare my legs!) now that the weather is warming up - I will not spend another summer hiding myself in jeans, or wearing full length leggings under all my skirts! I've been wearing more makeup and having lots of fun dressing up and curling my hair - it feels good!

Still, because I have been focusing so much on clothes and how I look I feel that I've lost focus of what it was that lead me down this path in the first place, and that is what I think has been derailing me a little bit. What I'm really trying to achieve is a healthy relationship with food and my body and to be happy, healthy and fit.

I saw and heard a couple of things this week that really helped me to clarify my goals again. The first one was this infographic from Precision Nutrition.

It's one of those things that you can take what you like and leave what you don't from. But I just thought this was one of the more balanced pieces of information I had seen on what it really takes to achieve a really lean physique.

For me - I'm not a particularly big fan of the way it seems to suggest you can basically just dial in your body fat percentage, I also didn't like the reference to being able to reduce or eliminate medications - for some people this is just not possible no matter how fit and healthy they are, and that is ok! I alway use my husband in this example - he is a healthy weight and ran two marathons this year but still takes blood pressure medication - it's just one of those things.

However, the things I did like about if far outweighed those that I didn't. I loved the really really wide range of behaviours and eating styles that were represented as being "healthy". I liked the focus on other aspects of lifestyle such as sleep and eating slowly.

What I also loved was the focus on trade-offs and also the bit at the bottom that spoke about choosing your goals and also choosing what you are willing to do and also not willing to do. I just don't know that I've ever seen it represented like this. The diet and fitness industry seems to sell the message that we all should be willing to do whatever it takes to get a "bikini body" or a six pack. Whereas I feel like this graphic is saying - it's ok if you are not willing to give up friday night drinks, you can still be happy and healthy. We all have different priorities and goals and that is ok!

The best bit - the focus towards the end on what it takes to get that "cover model" look - lots of micromanaging of food and exercise and often a bit of help from photoshop! It also highlights the fact that even body builders really only look like this on competition day, by manipulating their carbohydrate and fluid intake in the days before the comp.

I think a set of guidelines like this can be really helpful for people who have a history of disordered eating instead of wandering around in the dark.

The other thing that gave me a bit of a wake up was seeing was an "off season" photo shoot two fitness models had posted on Facebook where they spoke about being insecure about people seeing them like that, and overhearing a lady speak about how she hates looking at herself in the mirror since having a baby. I just thought, it shouldn't be like this. We should be celebrating post-baby bodies for the miracle of life they created, we should be celebrating off-season bodies for the gains we are making that we can show of when competition time rolls around around. We should be celebrating ALL bodies for the awesome vehicles they are, not for what they look like in the mirror.

So - where to from here. I'm going to get back in touch with my original goals - happy, healthy and fit. I'm going to actually start following those healthily life goals I set myself a few weeks ago and also using the guidelines around the 23-25% body fat percentage in the Precision Nutrition graphic to guide my eating - not because I am hoping to get to that body fat percentage, but because I think they are realistic and balanced guidelines for a mere mortal like me!

It feels good to have renewed focus and calmness again - I've been floating around in the dark and not taking great care of myself lately. I'm looking forward to feeling good again!

Do you see your body as your biggest indicator of success (or failure)

So - here's a blog / ramble I've been thinking about but been too scared to write for a while now - scared because it's possibly a bit controversial and I'm not into conflict!!

It's also a bit of an insight into how my mind works and how much of a mind boggle this whole self acceptance journey can be - I still alternate pretty regularly between thinking I should lose weight and thinking I should focus my time and energy on other things.

What I have been pondering is this - why do so many of us see our bodies as our biggest (and sometimes only) indicator of success or failure?

Why do we spend so much time, energy and money trying to achieve the "perfect body"? Or worrying that we never will?

Isn't this just the ultimate display of vanity and self-absorption? Not to mention a mechanism for torturing ourselves and always feeling like we aren't good enough.

But then again you could argue that starting a blog is pretty vain and self-absorbed too - why do I think people care what I have to say?

Still, wouldn't this time, energy and money be better spent on other pursuits? When did we stop working towards ending hunger in Africa and start working on looking good in a bikini?

I also love dressing up, curling my hair and wearing make-up - does that make me a hypocrite?

Am I just feeding into making people feel guilty now? That is not my intention - it certainly does seem like there is always a reason to feel bad these days. I spend plenty of money on things I don't need and time playing mindless iPhone games - so who am I to judge anyone else for what they spend their time and money on?

All of the "fitpso" images say "strong is the new skinny". Why is this seen as being "inspirational"? I'm more inspired by the women who are actually out there making a difference in the world. I'm inspired by people who overcome adversity to achieve great things, and I'm inspired by people who have the dedication and commitment to do things like run marathons, but I don't think visible abs are particularly inspiring.

Why do we congratulate people who have lost weight and tell them we are proud of them? Sure, it takes a lot of hard work - but so do lots of other things. Why do other successes seem to pale in comparison? Why is the internet filled with before and after weight loss photos and not of people getting degrees? When was the last time you complemented someone on their empathy, joyfulness or for being a good friend?

I've started this post by saying some pretty inflammatory things - there's probably people reading this thinking that I'm just jealous that I'm not skinny. Well yeah, I still have pretty regular thoughts about being "too big". I tried on some new clothes the other day and I looked in the mirror and I thought "Geez, I am huge!" My point is - so fucking what if I'm huge?!

Yes, we should look after ourselves - we need to sleep, play, eat a balanced diet and get some exercise.

But this body obsession - I just don't think it's good for us as individuals or for the world. Think about what else you could be achieving - you are so much more than your body. What about the things you are putting off until you lose weight? Why can't you do them now?

I'm confused about how I feel about this myself because I'm all about "my body, my business". If you want to focus on becoming faster, stronger, leaner, and that makes you happy then more power too you, but I guess I am wondering if maybe obsession with our bodies is the modern day opiate of the masses?

I'm not saying that people shouldn't have goals relating to fitness or anything else that relates primarily to the self. It's good to challenge yourself - it's what makes life interesting! I think what I'm really ranting against is when this focus on the body becomes all consuming and something that robs us of our self-esteem and happiness. It's the lack of balance in the messages we receive - which all seem to say we are only good enough if we have a "bikini body" - nothing else seems to matter. Maybe you will never have a six pack or run a marathon and that's ok!! Maybe you can discover the cure for cancer instead! Maybe you are good at making people laugh, maybe you give awesome hugs! Maybe you donate to charity. All of these are things you can be proud of. There are a million ways to be an awesome person that have nothing to do with your body fat percentage.

Why don't we celebrate our bodies as a vehicle for all that awesomeness instead of trying to change them all the time?

As I said - I've been ruminating on this for a while now and still feeling pretty torn about my position. Please know that I am not trying to attack, judge or shame anyone. I'm far from perfect, I still obsess about my body, I have fitness goals and I am definitely not over in Africa making a difference. Maybe I am just overthinking the whole thing? 

Does it all just boil down to the fact that we all have different goals, lifestyles, ideals, aspirations and dreams, and that that is ok?

When does it stop being about individual goals and start becoming about being sucked in by the multi-billion dollar diet and beauty industries?

 

Where is the line between health and obsession? And is obsession always a bad thing?

I thought I'd put this all out here and see what you all think - I'd love to hear your thoughts.

An encounter with the scale.

I've been thinking about my weight a lot again this week. I think it's partly because the scales have been sitting out on the bathroom floor again (I didn't put them there), partly because I've had some frustrating clothes shopping experiences lately, and also partly because whilst I gave up binge eating pretty much immediately when I started group therapy, trying to cut back on the mindless overeating - an extra snack or few bites here and there - has been a lot harder and my progress has been very slow and sometimes non-existent. I've been worried that if this keeps going I'm just going to keep getting bigger and bigger - because you know, self acceptance is great as long as I'm not putting on weight :)

I really need to remind myself that I only really started this journey 4 months ago - I'm actually doing pretty good!

So, back to the scale - they've been sitting there, and I haven't put them away. I think I was trying to prove to myself that my weight didn't matter anymore - that I was over it. Still every morning their call to me has been getting louder. I started wondering if maybe I could just view the number clinically. Maybe if I did just weigh myself once a month it would help me to "stay on track" - my brain is my worst enemy sometimes!!

So this morning I gave in - but the result was actually really positive and surprising - I am the same weight as when I started group 4 months ago! I don't know why this was so surprising really - my clothes support that there hasn't been a big change.

Why was it a positive experience? Because it made me feel like I've got this. Just to be able to maintain my weight is such a big change! I've always been either loosing or gaining, this is probably the most stable my weight has ever been in my life!

I can trust my body, I can trust myself. I don't have to obsess about being perfect with my eating. Our bodies are actually pretty miraculous in their ability to adjust to a little bit extra here and there if we just get out of the way.

So where too now? After weighing myself (3 times and each time getting a slightly different number - which both reinforces to me how unhealthy my relationship with the scale can be and also how bad a judge of progress they are) I put the scales back away. I don't want them to become a regular fixture in my life again and I do want to just keep getting better at self-care and self-acceptance and relaxing! I haven't changed my mind to think that weighing yourself regularly is a positive thing - I don't know what would have happened if the number had been higher than I was "happy" with - I'm a bit conflicted about it actually! I still feel a bit like I did something "wrong" - clearly some work still to do there on all or nothing thinking and being hard on myself!

I'm sharing this because I want this blog to be an honest account of what it's like to be actively trying to change your relationship with food and your body - sometimes it's hard and sometimes we do things that are perhaps ill advised!! I guess it's trying to find the lesson and move forward from those things that are important.

 

Some thoughts on the importance of self care.

Eden from Edenland says that "life is triggering" and the last few days I've been inclined to agree.

I've been tired and cranky (more on that later), what should have been a simple train trip into the city yesterday turned into a two and a half hour crawl in the car (thanks crazy Melbourne weather!!), I had some some disappointing personal news and I tried on a heap of clothes in the shops and didn't like any of them.

As a result of all of this I've had urges to eat eat eat!!! I've also been caving into those urges more than I would like. The positive out of this is that I'm becoming super aware of how this overeating and eating of foods with little nutritional value makes me feel and I don't like it!!

All of this got me thinking about the importance of self care in helping us to avoid being sucked into old destructive behaviours when faced with triggering circumstances and the balance of both actively doing things that are good for you and/or make you feel good but also actively trying to avoid doing things that have the opposite effect.

Sure, we are always going to have situations that are difficult - but if we have been taking care of ourselves then hopefully we give ourselves the best chance of being able to navigate them without affecting our progress too much.

This brings me back to the tired/cranky bit I mentioned earlier. On Saturday we had friends over for a games night. Everyone had a great time, but it was a late night and I had quite a bit to drink. So I spent Sunday feeling pretty ordinary, but I've also started to piece together a bit of a longer term picture of what happens when I drink too much

- In the morning I usually wake up with the thought "oh god, I really hope I didn't make too much of an idiot of myself or do or say something I shouldn't" I'm a pretty uninhibited person anyway so alcohol tends to mean I can get pretty rowdy and/or will pour my heart and soul out to anyone with ears.
- If the details of the night are a bit fuzzy or I know things got pretty rowdy this can turn into pretty crippling anxiety for a period of days
- If things were lower key I still notce a change in my mood and energy levels for a few days to a week - tired, cranky, unmotivated and mildly depressed and anxious

I've really started wondering if it's worth it - sure it's not something I do all the time, but the consequences even if infrequent affect my wellbeing and progress. I wonder, if I had only had a couple of drinks would these other things have affected me so much? What if I'd taken a nap on Sunday afternoon instead of eating ice cream? What if I'd done some meditation on Monday night instead of demolishing m&m's. Of course there is no point beating myself up over those choices now but there is a opportunity to learn.

As part of my ongoing journey to be happier and healthier I'm going to try implementing a more moderate approach when it comes to alcohol - This moderation thing, it just keeps coming up!!!

The other thing I'm going to try and do is to do something else when I'm having the urge to binge - the last few days I've just been trying to ignore it which in my current frame of mind hasn't been working!! So a goal is to actively try to do something else - meditation, go for a walk, read, blog, anything that fits in the realm of self-care.

Wardrobe Clean Out

I cleaned out my wardrobe on Sunday. I really wish I’d taken a “before” photo because the transformation was pretty remarkable!

My wardrobe was over-stuffed! I couldn’t shut drawers properly, I’d run out of hanging space, the shelves were overflowing, I had shoes and bags all over the floor and it had gotten to the point where I was pretty much just shoving stuff in and hoping for the best!

It was driving me crazy!! I also knew there was a lot a potential to create some space because I hadn’t worn quite a lot of it for quite some time – mostly because it a lot of it doesn’t fit. I think a lot of women who have lost and gained weight a number of times can probably relate – I had a full range of sizes from 14 to 22. There was even stuff in there that I’ve never worn! You know those purchases you make for when you loose just 5 more kilo’s – some of it even still had the tags!!

I’ve also increased the amount of clothes that I have recently because I have been making a point of putting together a wardrobe  of clothes that fit me now and reflect my personal style.

So, it was time for a clean out. I decided I was going to be pretty ruthless – anything that didn’t fit, or that I don’t wear was out!! This was pretty symbolic –I’m not actively focused on weight loss and I don’t need my wardrobe to constantly be reminding me that I used to be smaller. I want to walk into my wardrobe and see all the beautiful pretty things that I can wear, not the things I can’t.

It took me a couple of hours and I filled a couple of big boxes! I now have empty drawers! Everything is either hung or neatly folded. I have all my shoes on a shoe rack. It is devine!

Even more devine is the effect this has had on me mentally. Yes, there were some moments of sadness when I came across some of my really nice (and really small!) stuff. But mostly it was a really positive and tangible action that cemented for me the journey of self acceptance that I am on. The biggest action I took was when I decided to get rid of this –

This is a Size 12 string bikini that I brought well over 5 years ago when I had lost a heap of weight but was struggling to loose more – it was supposed to be motivating, instead it has haunted me ever since. I’ve worn it for several “before” photo’s but never any “after’s”, and really why do I want a string bikini anyway – I need a little more support!! So it’s gone, and it feels soooooo good!!

I also found my Year 12 commemorative T-shirt and Jumper and decided to put them on. I was expecting that they wouldn’t fit – but they did, and actually pretty well too, I do remember the jumper being a little looser but not a lot!

You know what this made me realise – For most of my adult life, I have been around the same size. Yes, I’ve managed to diet down to a lower weight a few times, but I always return to being around this size. I feel pretty mixed emotions about that – mostly angry and sad that I’ve wasted so much time and energy on trying to change my body and have developed a really messed up relationship with food because of that., when maybe this is just who I am!

So I have given some of the clothes that don’t fit away to friends who will get some wear out them, and the rest are boxed up in the spare room. The plan is that I will keep them for six months, and see where my body is at that point. Anything that still doesn’t fit then – and that may be all of it or only some of it – will go to the op shop.

Do you have a wardrobe half full of clothes that don’t fit? Have you thought about how much space you could free up both physically and mentally by having a good clean out? I’ve really noticed how much calmer and less obsessed about food I’ve been in the days since. Co-incidence? Maybe, I’m thinking maybe not.

Habits

As you may have noticed in my post “obsession” I had quite a freak out when group finished two weeks ago. Both the ideas of going it “alone”, and making a permanent change to the way I think and behave with regards to food and my body were pretty scary!!

I managed to stop freaking out quite so much by doing lots of reading of different blogs and other resources I’ve found about body acceptance and non-dieting approaches, but I was still noticing that some of my bingy behaviours were starting to creep back in. I had a couple of days where I definitely and deliberately ignored my hunger signals and ate beyond the point of being comfortable. I probably wouldn’t have called these binges in the past – but I think what is considered a binge or inappropriate eating for me is getting to be less and less in terms of quantities of food as I “recalibrate”, and more about the feelings, thoughts and “process” that happen around it.

You can imagine that this was pretty worrying – although I wasn’t yet “out of control” I was starting to feel like I was on a pretty slippery slope to telling myself that I’d just “start again on Monday”.

It was in the middle of all of this that I came across this picture posted on Facebook by the “Am I hungry?” Mindful eating program page.

It struck me Binging and/or Overeating are habits for me – it’s my default position – if I’m happy, sad, bored or procrastinating I eat. Sometimes I eat for no reason at all. Sometimes I eat because I’m already full!! I already knew all of this, but seeing this post was just what I needed to get me thinking about the habits that I do actually want to be cultivating in my life, to replace this habit of overeating. So, I can now reveal to you –

Lauren’s healthy life habits!

-       Eat with regard to my hunger and fullnesss signals most of the time

-       Focus on eating a healthy balance of foods

-       Gym 4 times per week – two spin classes and two weights sessions

-       Taekwondo twice per week

-       Daily meditation

-       Do what I’m supposed to be doing!

These are not ridged rules to be followed and to beat myself up about if I don’t reach them, but just things that I think are healthy balanced habits to have. I’ll aim to eat mindfully most of the time – but if there is an opportunity to eat lemon meringue pie I’ll probably eat it even if I’m not hungry! However, I will savor it and not ruin the experience with guilt. I’ll focus on improving my fitness and strength; I want to start meditating again because I know it helps me with my anxiety. Finally, I really want to work on my tendency to procrastinate! This is something I need to explore strategies on – I’m really good at doing everything other than what I’m supposed to be doing and the digital age makes this so easy!!

So, this is my list – but, do I think you should have the same one? NO! I think we could probably all use a list like this – but it should be individual to you. Maybe you don’t like going to the gym, maybe you hate meditating, fine! I’d love it if you would share your healthy habits with me.

Melbourne Marathon

On Sunday I walked the 10 km event at the Melbourne Marathon.

I ran a few 10 km events a number of years ago, after I had lost a lot of weight, I was slow, but I still managed to run the whole way.

More recently, I’ve tried to get back into running again because my husband and a number of people in my friendship group are runners and so I thought that I should be too. The only problem being that I’m a lot heavier than I was last time I used to run, and I also have a niggling lower back / hip issue which is frustrating at best and quite painful at worst.

After my last disastrous run/walk attempt at Run Melbourne which had me literally hobbling across the finish line, I decided that perhaps this whole running caper is not for me, at least not for now. So when everyone started signing up for events at the Melbourne Marathon festival I decided that I would sign up for the 10 km event, but that I would walk.

I started getting pretty worried that I would be the only one walking – I’d long been in the company of the run/walk/shufflers at these events, but I didn’t know if anyone really just walked. Also, what if I was absolutely dead last over the finish line? (and why do we even worry about that? So what if I was!).

All of these fears were laid to rest once the event started. Sure, at first there were lots of people whizzing past me, but, pretty soon, I found myself surrounded by a group of fellow walkers (there were lots of us!!), and you know, I discovered it was a pretty cool place to be.

I realised that when you are not huffing and puffing and in pain and worrying if you are even going to make it too the end without your hip flexors snapping let alone set a PB, it opens up an opportunity to relax and really enjoy yourself. It also gave me lots of thinking and observing time.

I got to noticing that events like these really are a celebration of bodies. Not just fit, athletic looking bodies, but all bodies. There were six packs and spare tires, big bums, small bums and people with no bums! There were skinny people behind me and larger people ahead of me. There were people of all shapes and sizes participating in ALL events. It really brought home to me the fact that what perceive as being a fit and healthy person is something that is constructed by the media and advertising. When you get out there and observe one of these events you see that every body type is represented and everyone is out there and giving it a go. There was something so empowering about realising all of that.

I also had a special moment when the elite male marathoner’s ran past me at their 40 km mark – to see how effortless and graceful they make it look was really quite special. It really is amazing to see what the human body is capable of. These guys were out their giving it their all and smashing it.

Still, it’s just not realistic to expect that everyone can run a sub two and a half hour marathon if they just try hard enough (nor is this necessary to be fit and healthy). Just as we don’t know anything about a person’s health and fitness from looking at them, we also don’t know their story about why they are walking or running or doing the 10km vs. the half or full marathon. Maybe the skinny girl behind me used to run marathon’s but has an injury, maybe she has absolutely no interest in running – either is fine!!! I think the go hard or go home message can be quite counterproductive. When did just getting out there and participating stop being enough? I have big big admiration for people that do push it to the absolute limit and achieve amazing things like running marathons (big shout out to my hubby and bestie!!) and smashing through PB's, but smaller achievements are worth celebrating as well.

So I walked and walked and I finished the 10km in 101 minutes and, even better, without being in any pain!! I decided I like this whole walking caper and I think I will do more of it.

After my walk, I also decided to do something else that I’ve never done before – I purchased the professional event photos. I’ve never done this before because I didn’t really think any of my achievements warranted commemoration in this way and also – I always hated the way I looked! I think only the elite athletes make exercising look glamorous!

But, as I’ve recently realised, my body IS worth celebrating and walking 10km IS an achievement worth celebrating. I’m going to own that! And so here I am. This is who I am and I will not be ashamed of that anymore. I’m quite happy and proud to be stepping into my space as a “walker”.