An encounter with the scale.

I've been thinking about my weight a lot again this week. I think it's partly because the scales have been sitting out on the bathroom floor again (I didn't put them there), partly because I've had some frustrating clothes shopping experiences lately, and also partly because whilst I gave up binge eating pretty much immediately when I started group therapy, trying to cut back on the mindless overeating - an extra snack or few bites here and there - has been a lot harder and my progress has been very slow and sometimes non-existent. I've been worried that if this keeps going I'm just going to keep getting bigger and bigger - because you know, self acceptance is great as long as I'm not putting on weight :)

I really need to remind myself that I only really started this journey 4 months ago - I'm actually doing pretty good!

So, back to the scale - they've been sitting there, and I haven't put them away. I think I was trying to prove to myself that my weight didn't matter anymore - that I was over it. Still every morning their call to me has been getting louder. I started wondering if maybe I could just view the number clinically. Maybe if I did just weigh myself once a month it would help me to "stay on track" - my brain is my worst enemy sometimes!!

So this morning I gave in - but the result was actually really positive and surprising - I am the same weight as when I started group 4 months ago! I don't know why this was so surprising really - my clothes support that there hasn't been a big change.

Why was it a positive experience? Because it made me feel like I've got this. Just to be able to maintain my weight is such a big change! I've always been either loosing or gaining, this is probably the most stable my weight has ever been in my life!

I can trust my body, I can trust myself. I don't have to obsess about being perfect with my eating. Our bodies are actually pretty miraculous in their ability to adjust to a little bit extra here and there if we just get out of the way.

So where too now? After weighing myself (3 times and each time getting a slightly different number - which both reinforces to me how unhealthy my relationship with the scale can be and also how bad a judge of progress they are) I put the scales back away. I don't want them to become a regular fixture in my life again and I do want to just keep getting better at self-care and self-acceptance and relaxing! I haven't changed my mind to think that weighing yourself regularly is a positive thing - I don't know what would have happened if the number had been higher than I was "happy" with - I'm a bit conflicted about it actually! I still feel a bit like I did something "wrong" - clearly some work still to do there on all or nothing thinking and being hard on myself!

I'm sharing this because I want this blog to be an honest account of what it's like to be actively trying to change your relationship with food and your body - sometimes it's hard and sometimes we do things that are perhaps ill advised!! I guess it's trying to find the lesson and move forward from those things that are important.

 

Some thoughts on the importance of self care.

Eden from Edenland says that "life is triggering" and the last few days I've been inclined to agree.

I've been tired and cranky (more on that later), what should have been a simple train trip into the city yesterday turned into a two and a half hour crawl in the car (thanks crazy Melbourne weather!!), I had some some disappointing personal news and I tried on a heap of clothes in the shops and didn't like any of them.

As a result of all of this I've had urges to eat eat eat!!! I've also been caving into those urges more than I would like. The positive out of this is that I'm becoming super aware of how this overeating and eating of foods with little nutritional value makes me feel and I don't like it!!

All of this got me thinking about the importance of self care in helping us to avoid being sucked into old destructive behaviours when faced with triggering circumstances and the balance of both actively doing things that are good for you and/or make you feel good but also actively trying to avoid doing things that have the opposite effect.

Sure, we are always going to have situations that are difficult - but if we have been taking care of ourselves then hopefully we give ourselves the best chance of being able to navigate them without affecting our progress too much.

This brings me back to the tired/cranky bit I mentioned earlier. On Saturday we had friends over for a games night. Everyone had a great time, but it was a late night and I had quite a bit to drink. So I spent Sunday feeling pretty ordinary, but I've also started to piece together a bit of a longer term picture of what happens when I drink too much

- In the morning I usually wake up with the thought "oh god, I really hope I didn't make too much of an idiot of myself or do or say something I shouldn't" I'm a pretty uninhibited person anyway so alcohol tends to mean I can get pretty rowdy and/or will pour my heart and soul out to anyone with ears.
- If the details of the night are a bit fuzzy or I know things got pretty rowdy this can turn into pretty crippling anxiety for a period of days
- If things were lower key I still notce a change in my mood and energy levels for a few days to a week - tired, cranky, unmotivated and mildly depressed and anxious

I've really started wondering if it's worth it - sure it's not something I do all the time, but the consequences even if infrequent affect my wellbeing and progress. I wonder, if I had only had a couple of drinks would these other things have affected me so much? What if I'd taken a nap on Sunday afternoon instead of eating ice cream? What if I'd done some meditation on Monday night instead of demolishing m&m's. Of course there is no point beating myself up over those choices now but there is a opportunity to learn.

As part of my ongoing journey to be happier and healthier I'm going to try implementing a more moderate approach when it comes to alcohol - This moderation thing, it just keeps coming up!!!

The other thing I'm going to try and do is to do something else when I'm having the urge to binge - the last few days I've just been trying to ignore it which in my current frame of mind hasn't been working!! So a goal is to actively try to do something else - meditation, go for a walk, read, blog, anything that fits in the realm of self-care.

Wardrobe Clean Out

I cleaned out my wardrobe on Sunday. I really wish I’d taken a “before” photo because the transformation was pretty remarkable!

My wardrobe was over-stuffed! I couldn’t shut drawers properly, I’d run out of hanging space, the shelves were overflowing, I had shoes and bags all over the floor and it had gotten to the point where I was pretty much just shoving stuff in and hoping for the best!

It was driving me crazy!! I also knew there was a lot a potential to create some space because I hadn’t worn quite a lot of it for quite some time – mostly because it a lot of it doesn’t fit. I think a lot of women who have lost and gained weight a number of times can probably relate – I had a full range of sizes from 14 to 22. There was even stuff in there that I’ve never worn! You know those purchases you make for when you loose just 5 more kilo’s – some of it even still had the tags!!

I’ve also increased the amount of clothes that I have recently because I have been making a point of putting together a wardrobe  of clothes that fit me now and reflect my personal style.

So, it was time for a clean out. I decided I was going to be pretty ruthless – anything that didn’t fit, or that I don’t wear was out!! This was pretty symbolic –I’m not actively focused on weight loss and I don’t need my wardrobe to constantly be reminding me that I used to be smaller. I want to walk into my wardrobe and see all the beautiful pretty things that I can wear, not the things I can’t.

It took me a couple of hours and I filled a couple of big boxes! I now have empty drawers! Everything is either hung or neatly folded. I have all my shoes on a shoe rack. It is devine!

Even more devine is the effect this has had on me mentally. Yes, there were some moments of sadness when I came across some of my really nice (and really small!) stuff. But mostly it was a really positive and tangible action that cemented for me the journey of self acceptance that I am on. The biggest action I took was when I decided to get rid of this –

This is a Size 12 string bikini that I brought well over 5 years ago when I had lost a heap of weight but was struggling to loose more – it was supposed to be motivating, instead it has haunted me ever since. I’ve worn it for several “before” photo’s but never any “after’s”, and really why do I want a string bikini anyway – I need a little more support!! So it’s gone, and it feels soooooo good!!

I also found my Year 12 commemorative T-shirt and Jumper and decided to put them on. I was expecting that they wouldn’t fit – but they did, and actually pretty well too, I do remember the jumper being a little looser but not a lot!

You know what this made me realise – For most of my adult life, I have been around the same size. Yes, I’ve managed to diet down to a lower weight a few times, but I always return to being around this size. I feel pretty mixed emotions about that – mostly angry and sad that I’ve wasted so much time and energy on trying to change my body and have developed a really messed up relationship with food because of that., when maybe this is just who I am!

So I have given some of the clothes that don’t fit away to friends who will get some wear out them, and the rest are boxed up in the spare room. The plan is that I will keep them for six months, and see where my body is at that point. Anything that still doesn’t fit then – and that may be all of it or only some of it – will go to the op shop.

Do you have a wardrobe half full of clothes that don’t fit? Have you thought about how much space you could free up both physically and mentally by having a good clean out? I’ve really noticed how much calmer and less obsessed about food I’ve been in the days since. Co-incidence? Maybe, I’m thinking maybe not.

Habits

As you may have noticed in my post “obsession” I had quite a freak out when group finished two weeks ago. Both the ideas of going it “alone”, and making a permanent change to the way I think and behave with regards to food and my body were pretty scary!!

I managed to stop freaking out quite so much by doing lots of reading of different blogs and other resources I’ve found about body acceptance and non-dieting approaches, but I was still noticing that some of my bingy behaviours were starting to creep back in. I had a couple of days where I definitely and deliberately ignored my hunger signals and ate beyond the point of being comfortable. I probably wouldn’t have called these binges in the past – but I think what is considered a binge or inappropriate eating for me is getting to be less and less in terms of quantities of food as I “recalibrate”, and more about the feelings, thoughts and “process” that happen around it.

You can imagine that this was pretty worrying – although I wasn’t yet “out of control” I was starting to feel like I was on a pretty slippery slope to telling myself that I’d just “start again on Monday”.

It was in the middle of all of this that I came across this picture posted on Facebook by the “Am I hungry?” Mindful eating program page.

It struck me Binging and/or Overeating are habits for me – it’s my default position – if I’m happy, sad, bored or procrastinating I eat. Sometimes I eat for no reason at all. Sometimes I eat because I’m already full!! I already knew all of this, but seeing this post was just what I needed to get me thinking about the habits that I do actually want to be cultivating in my life, to replace this habit of overeating. So, I can now reveal to you –

Lauren’s healthy life habits!

-       Eat with regard to my hunger and fullnesss signals most of the time

-       Focus on eating a healthy balance of foods

-       Gym 4 times per week – two spin classes and two weights sessions

-       Taekwondo twice per week

-       Daily meditation

-       Do what I’m supposed to be doing!

These are not ridged rules to be followed and to beat myself up about if I don’t reach them, but just things that I think are healthy balanced habits to have. I’ll aim to eat mindfully most of the time – but if there is an opportunity to eat lemon meringue pie I’ll probably eat it even if I’m not hungry! However, I will savor it and not ruin the experience with guilt. I’ll focus on improving my fitness and strength; I want to start meditating again because I know it helps me with my anxiety. Finally, I really want to work on my tendency to procrastinate! This is something I need to explore strategies on – I’m really good at doing everything other than what I’m supposed to be doing and the digital age makes this so easy!!

So, this is my list – but, do I think you should have the same one? NO! I think we could probably all use a list like this – but it should be individual to you. Maybe you don’t like going to the gym, maybe you hate meditating, fine! I’d love it if you would share your healthy habits with me.

Melbourne Marathon

On Sunday I walked the 10 km event at the Melbourne Marathon.

I ran a few 10 km events a number of years ago, after I had lost a lot of weight, I was slow, but I still managed to run the whole way.

More recently, I’ve tried to get back into running again because my husband and a number of people in my friendship group are runners and so I thought that I should be too. The only problem being that I’m a lot heavier than I was last time I used to run, and I also have a niggling lower back / hip issue which is frustrating at best and quite painful at worst.

After my last disastrous run/walk attempt at Run Melbourne which had me literally hobbling across the finish line, I decided that perhaps this whole running caper is not for me, at least not for now. So when everyone started signing up for events at the Melbourne Marathon festival I decided that I would sign up for the 10 km event, but that I would walk.

I started getting pretty worried that I would be the only one walking – I’d long been in the company of the run/walk/shufflers at these events, but I didn’t know if anyone really just walked. Also, what if I was absolutely dead last over the finish line? (and why do we even worry about that? So what if I was!).

All of these fears were laid to rest once the event started. Sure, at first there were lots of people whizzing past me, but, pretty soon, I found myself surrounded by a group of fellow walkers (there were lots of us!!), and you know, I discovered it was a pretty cool place to be.

I realised that when you are not huffing and puffing and in pain and worrying if you are even going to make it too the end without your hip flexors snapping let alone set a PB, it opens up an opportunity to relax and really enjoy yourself. It also gave me lots of thinking and observing time.

I got to noticing that events like these really are a celebration of bodies. Not just fit, athletic looking bodies, but all bodies. There were six packs and spare tires, big bums, small bums and people with no bums! There were skinny people behind me and larger people ahead of me. There were people of all shapes and sizes participating in ALL events. It really brought home to me the fact that what perceive as being a fit and healthy person is something that is constructed by the media and advertising. When you get out there and observe one of these events you see that every body type is represented and everyone is out there and giving it a go. There was something so empowering about realising all of that.

I also had a special moment when the elite male marathoner’s ran past me at their 40 km mark – to see how effortless and graceful they make it look was really quite special. It really is amazing to see what the human body is capable of. These guys were out their giving it their all and smashing it.

Still, it’s just not realistic to expect that everyone can run a sub two and a half hour marathon if they just try hard enough (nor is this necessary to be fit and healthy). Just as we don’t know anything about a person’s health and fitness from looking at them, we also don’t know their story about why they are walking or running or doing the 10km vs. the half or full marathon. Maybe the skinny girl behind me used to run marathon’s but has an injury, maybe she has absolutely no interest in running – either is fine!!! I think the go hard or go home message can be quite counterproductive. When did just getting out there and participating stop being enough? I have big big admiration for people that do push it to the absolute limit and achieve amazing things like running marathons (big shout out to my hubby and bestie!!) and smashing through PB's, but smaller achievements are worth celebrating as well.

So I walked and walked and I finished the 10km in 101 minutes and, even better, without being in any pain!! I decided I like this whole walking caper and I think I will do more of it.

After my walk, I also decided to do something else that I’ve never done before – I purchased the professional event photos. I’ve never done this before because I didn’t really think any of my achievements warranted commemoration in this way and also – I always hated the way I looked! I think only the elite athletes make exercising look glamorous!

But, as I’ve recently realised, my body IS worth celebrating and walking 10km IS an achievement worth celebrating. I’m going to own that! And so here I am. This is who I am and I will not be ashamed of that anymore. I’m quite happy and proud to be stepping into my space as a “walker”.

Obsession

How do you let go of your obsession with weight in a weight-obsessed world?

How do you let go of food rules when every day there is a new guru with a new list of good and bad foods?

I’ve been struggling with this a lot in the last few days. I think it’s even gotten worse since I pledged to give up perfectionism in my last post.

It’s hard to let go of body hate when you feel good when you leave the house in the morning but then catch a glance of your spare tire in the shop window and you know that there is no point stepping foot in ¾ of clothes shops because nothing will fit you.

I had my final session of group therapy on Saturday morning and I’m feeling a bit rudderless. I feel like I’ve come so far in my journey that I’m back to the start – worrying about my weight.

I’ve spent a crazy amount of time the last couple of days obsessing about food. I’ve been wondering if I should plan a treat into each day or if it is ok to practice some restraint or set some limits like being strict during the week and relaxing on weekends. I went to the supermarket with the intention of buying some chocolate biscuits so I could have one or two each night and walked out with a packet of dates instead. I’ve been checking calories and googling things like “are dates a healthy snack?” (yes, unless you are in the no sugar camp) and “how many treats is it ok to have in a week?” (not even google has the answer for this one). I just want someone to tell me what normal eating looks like!!!

I have absolutely no desire to start counting calories or tracking food again – it is a waste of time and energy and makes me crazy, so why am I searching for another set of rules to follow (to break?!).

The answers I came up with – It’s still very new and a bit scary out here in eat whatever you want land, I don’t trust myself or my body, and, there is still a part of me that want’s to lose weight.

That last part was hard to write and admit to myself and to the world – but it’s true. Sometimes it’s hard to be a plus sized gal in a thin obsessed world.

The positive thing about all of this – I can recognize these thoughts and feelings for what they are – a big black hole and the road back to binging – and take action to pull myself out of it.

I started by reading some entries over at Weightless, especially this one, which made me feel at lot less crazy and alone in this.

I was reminded of the importance of mindfulness. All this stress and worry about my body and about food is worry about the future. I need to concentrate on the here and now and on the things I should be or could be doing with my time instead.

I was reminded about health at every size, and the fact that my size is not who I am. I am healthy, I am working on having a more balanced relationship with food, I am working on getting stronger and fitter. Letting go of weight and food obsession has made me happier and more fun to be around.

I was reminded about what normal eating really is – flexible. I don’t need to be ridgid about having treats everyday or only having them on weekends or not having them at all. I can have them when I really want them. I was also reminded that it is about trusting my body to tell me what it needs. This is clearly still something I need to work on.

I've also realised how important it is to have some resources that you can draw on to pull yourself out of these old thought patterns when they take hold.

I am reminded so so strongly, that recovery is about letting go, and letting go again, and again, and learning self-acceptance, and learning it again and again! It’s a journey, not a destination, and that is ok.