Back to basics

It feels like I've be flailing around trying to get my eating "back on track" for most of this year. I've also recently been injured and unable to run and that's gotten me thinking about my future running aspirations. The combination of these two things has meant I've spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about what it is I really want. What was it I was trying to achieve when I first started this journey over a year ago? The answer is simple, really, I wanted to - 

Free myself from binge eating and develop a healthy, happy relationship with food and my body.

I did really well with that for a while, but then I started thinking about actively trying to lose weight again - when I think about when the wheels started falling off, it was early this year when I started counting calories and weighing myself again - sure, I was working with a sensible calorie target, but it still set me back on the pathway towards the binge and restrict cycle, towards feeling like I was on or off track. More recently with my running I've been thinking a lot about how much easier it would be if I was lighter and feeling the weight (real or imagined) of my own and other people's expectations of how much smaller I should be getting now that I'm running so much. I've noticed that my worst days for eating are the days I've stepped on the scales.

I can feel that I'm stuck in "last supper" mode, eating all I can now because I'll have to be "good" tomorrow.

The running thing is also complex - after I did so well running 5.7km at the Gold Coast a few months ago I started thinking about the 10km in October and then the possibility of a half marathon next year. But the thing is, when I think about my fitness goals, I don't picture myself finishing a marathon looking long and lean, instead, I picture myself looking strong, lifting heavy stuff in the gym, showing off my arm definition in a tank top and smashing through boards without hesitation at taekwondo, but both those things have taken a backseat to running recently - It's hard to get the balance right, and I feel like I'm doing lots of things at once but none of them particularly well!

As it stands, I know I'll get through the 10km in October but it just won't be as quick as I was hoping. I'll reassess my running goals after that - who knows, it could just be the injury taking!

In the meantime, I've realised that I've never really given myself a proper chance to really heal from my disordered eating and find that elusive, natural place where everything, my weight, my food intake, just stabilises on it's own.

So, my mission for the next couple of weeks is to get back to basics. I'm going to:

- break up with the scales (again)

- get back into a mindful eating practice - keeping a journal of hunger and fullness, trying to mostly eat when I'm hungry and stop when full, taking a few deep breaths to centre myself before i start eating, and putting my cutlery down between bites 

- move my body everyday

- spend 10 minutes on meditation each day

I know that this works - no more flailing around searching for the answer! No more getting lured in by quick fixes and numbers, I've deleted the calorie counting apps from my phone and unfollowed weight loss pages on Instagram. I'm going to go back to focusing on, reading about and filling my newsfeed with body positive stuff and doing the work of recovery.

Watch your mind

I'm supposed to be running the 10km event at the Sandy Point Half Marathon today - instead I'm at home nursing sore, bruised and scratched feet after rolling my ankle last night!! Still, the events of the evening gave me the material for this blog post - so I guess it's not all bad!

Last night, I attended an inspirational speakers fundraising night organised by the founders of my local running group for their Relay for Life team. The speakers included two people who have run the  Mt. Everest Marathon, A local guy Brandon, who has gradually lost his sight over the years but has recently gotten back into running again, Dani, who ran 7 marathons, in 7 days in 7 states to raise money for Bravehearts, Allirra who ran the New York Marathon as part of the Indigenous Marathon Project, and Tristen Miller of Run Like Crazy fame.

Hearing all of these people speak was incredible! They all had stories of overcoming adversity and personal hardship to get to where they are now. They've all achieved amazing things and are inspiring people around them to do the same.

The thing is though - it also got me wishing that I could be the same. That I could be that kind of person. It made me wonder, what is different about these people that they are able to do this. Why can't I do it? What haven't I done it? Why have I let so many of my goals and dreams pass by over the years?

The evening finished quite late, and I was dreading the thought of having to get up at 5am the next morning to do the 10km - It's so ridiculous that I was thinking like that after everything I'd just heard, but sure enough, I was thinking about how tired I would be, how I was worried about my calf injury and how I wish I didn't have to do it. Then sure enough, as I was getting into the car, my foot slipped into a stormwater drain, I rolled my ankle and landed on the ground!! I hurt, a lot!! The universe had provided me with my excuse.

It got me thinking about the power of the mind to create our reality. Whether or not you believe in things like the "Law of Attraction", you can't deny that the way we think has a powerful affect on the way we feel and they way we live our lives. It makes all of the difference between achieving and giving up.

It dawned on me - that "special" ingredient that the speakers have that I don't - It's self belief and a driving force.

Tristen and Dani both spoke about not letting other people define for them what they can and can't do. Brandon spoke about the responsibility we have to others to repay the belief they have in us. One of Allirra's driving forces is to make a positive change in her local community.

I had that driving force and self belief when I was younger. I left home at 16 and moved in with my boyfriend - the people closest to me told me that I was throwing my life away, that I would get pregnant and that would be it - my life would be over. Instead, I finished my VCE, got into my university degree of choice, finished uni with excellent marks and got a job and the independence that was so important to me.

I felt some of that driving force when I started this blog a year ago - it's always been the dream that this would lead me in the direction of helping, encouraging, inspiring and motivating other women like me to gain peace with their bodies and with food - but I lost that drive somewhere along the way. I started feeling like I wasn't special enough.

If last night showed me anything - it's that we are all capable of great things - but we have to watch our minds - the dialogue going on in there will be the difference between success and failure.

I'll finish with that great quote from Henry Ford which also came up last night -

Highway to the comfort zone

I'm stuck - I had such big plans for 2015 and I feel like I've failed. It's been a tough year, I lost my Nana and my step-grandmother, I've had injuries to my elbow, shoulder and calf which have affected my training, I've grappled with anxiety so bad that I thought I was losing my mind, I've questioned everything in my life, my self esteem and self worth have taken a beating, this last week my cat has had to stay at the vets on fluids because of kidney problems. My eating is officially out of control.

Does it sound like I'm throwing a pity party? I am!! I feel a bit ripped off - 2015 was supposed to be my year! I even made a vision board!! I've lost sight of the fact that there is still a good 4 months of the year left - I've been thinking maybe I can try again in 2016.

This year I have taken steps towards the life that I want, but I also seem to keep getting dragged back to what is comfortable and easy - I've been thinking about quitting a lot!!

It's so easy to get stuck in the negative, as I've felt myself starting to give up this last few weeks I've also had the realisation that this is what is comfortable - when the going gets tough, it's easier to just pull the blankets up over my head and stuff my face with chocolate. I've realised that while I've made great strides in my eating disorder recovery when life is going smoothly, I'm not there yet when life is hard. Food is my band-aid in life, it's the Swiss Army knife that can be used in any uncomfortable situation. I've also realised that no one is coming to rescue me - something that is equal parts empowering and depressing! If I'm going get out of this hole I have to pull myself out! More importantly I need to do more work on self care and healthier ways of coping.

It didn't used to be like this, I used to be driven and independent, I used to set goals and not stop until I achieved them - but this battle I've had with my body and weight over the years has robbed me of that.

Change is hard - I think I've actually got a lot of my identity nowadays wrapped up in being the "fat girl" I think I've also developed a bit of an attitude towards having something to prove - fat girls can run, they can be fit and strong. But is that really what I want my identity to be?? I'm ok with the fact that I might never be skinny - but I do want to be healthy and well adjusted, I do want to be the best version of myself - the fit, fat girl persona is a lie if I am still eating kilos of chocolate in secret and hiding the wrappers.

It's complex this thing - because there is comfort and ease in what I know but it also scares the hell out of me - that disembodied state that kicks in when the binging starts. That sense of giving up and giving in. That the eating disorder is always going to win.

I saw this quote on Facebook the other day and it resonated with me.

The thing is, the highway to the comfort zone  is an easy drive but it's also boring and there is every chance you'll fall asleep at the wheel and crash into a tree.

The road to really getting the most out of life and the road to your goals and dreams is scary and winding and uncertain - it's hard and you can't use cruise control, you really have to get behind the wheel and drive, but along the way you also pick up passengers such as inspiration, motivation, self esteem and self belief. I want that for me, it's time to start driving again.