2015 - A Kick Ass Year

New Year's resolutions seem to be getting a bit cliche, and I know that I have made many of them over the years that I have failed to achieve - guess what most of them have been about? Yup, weight loss.

Still with the dawning of the New Year I felt it was an ideal time to really create a vision for myself going forward. To take everything I have learned about myself over the last 12 months of my no dieting, body positive journey and turn that into a way of life that works for me.

I've been thinking a lot about how I reconcile the seemingly competing goals that still reside within me. I want to love and feel good about myself, not just at a certain weight, but right now. I want self acceptance and self-esteem and I don't believe I have to be skinny to achieve that. I do not want to count calories, cut out carbs, live on a liquid diet or obsess about food. I do want to achieve a balance in my diet that I have never had before. I want to be free of binging, but I want to be conscious of what I am feeding my body. I want to be fitter and stronger and yes I would like to carry less body fat, but I do not want my weight or pants size to rule my life.

The answer to reconciling all of this seems to have come to me in the form of a new goal - over the last 12 months of training in Taekwondo, I have become increasingly excited about the prospect of earning my black belt. 6 women achieved theirs at the end of the year and I thought yep, I want that.

If everything goes according to plan, my Black Belt grading will happen in early 2016. So I am treating 2015 as my opportunity to get ready both physically and mentally.

With this in mind, I present to you my 2015 Vision

There are a number of aspects to my vision board. Obviously the Black belt is in a prominent place as this is what I really want to be the thing that drives me in the day to day decisions I make through the year. Written in the white space of the picture is "A Black Belt is a White Belt who never gave up".

I've also included a number of other inspirational TKD related quotes and pictures. 

In the middle are two bibs from 10k events I ran/walked and walked in 2014. I'd like to be able to run a full 10k without stopping by the end of 2015 so these are a reminder of that. The increased physical fitness will also help with my TKD training.

The food stuff is in the middle and bottom. A reminder to eat mindfully and also a copy of the pictorial from the Australian Guide to healthy eating. This is to remind me of the balance I am striving for in my relationship with food. A reminder not to get lured in my fads, extremes and quick fixes.

I've also got a quote reminding me to workout because I love my body and not so I can love my body.

I've included my blog logo as I would like to be a more active blogger. I love reading about other people's journey's and I hope that people will enjoy reading about mine as well. It's also been a really good way for me to work through my feelings.

Up the top right hand is a copy of a sign designating a Black Ski run. This is another goal of mine this year - I have the skills - now I just need to get over the fear!

To be honest it's the mental and not the physical stuff that scares me and holds me back the most.

I know that if I am consistent with my training and food then the physical strength and fitness will come.

It's my self belief that lets me down. I've realised that I've really eroded my sense of self belief over the years - every time I told myself I would lose X kg in Y amount of time and failed to get there I let a little piece of me die. Every time I turned back from a ski run because it looked to hard I told myself I would never be able to do it. I still feel like quitting every time I think about having to put my foot or hand through a plank of wood as I get higher in my TKD gradings. 

This is why I think having the Black Belt is a great goal to have - because with every little step I take I'm going to be building myself back up. I'm going to be telling myself that I can. My body and my mind will reap the benefits of that.

I'm ready to step into my power. It's exciting! Here's to making 2015 a kick ass year!!

Feeling stuck in a "camp"

Do you get stuck in "camps"? I know I do.

I've been in the Weight Watcher's camp, I've been in the low carb camp, the paleo camp, the calorie counting camp. Lately I feel like I'm stuck in a camp consisting of the confluence of the HAES, Body Positivity and Mindful eating camps.

The problem I'm having is that having so publicly stated my allegiance to this camp makes me kinda feel like I'm not allowed to think for myself any more.

The specific thing I am struggling with is that it feels like if you are a body positive advocate, you can't be actively trying to change your body. You are just have to accept that if you eat mindfully and get some exercise your body weight will stabilise where it is supposed to (people will disagree with me on this and that is fine - this is just me stating how I feel). 

The more reading I do the more stuck I get, for every argument for HAES there is one against it, for every person saying there is pretty much no point in trying to reduce your body fat there is another saying that it is possible. It's exhausting!

Can't you accept your body where it is but want to change it as well? Isn't there some middle ground?

This is what I have decided that I want to find out.

The thing is, that all of these camps actually have something to offer. The all encourage you to really think about what you are eating, some of them encourage eating mostly whole foods, some of them encourage moderation and balance.

I really struggle with moderation and balance and I think it's because I've been stuck in extreme camps for so long. This is what I loved about Go Kaleo when I first started reading her stuff - she's all about the moderation.

I've said before that overeating really just feels like a habit to me now, it's feels hard to have to think about and plan what I am eating and easy to just eat whatever! I feel like I've come a really long way towards accepting myself and now I am ready to move into the next phase - really putting what I've learned into practice but also tweaking it to be what works for me and what supports my goals.

I want to be a body positive advocate, who also advocates for moderation and balance with food, I want to advocate for your body being you business, I want to encourage you not to be a fanatic but to do what works and feels right for you. I want to get fitter and I do want to be lighter - not because I hate myself or I think there is anything wrong with me, but because I want to be able to run again, I want to be as fit as I can be, when I go for my black belt in 2016 I want to step on that mat knowing that I am ready and that I am the best version of myself that I can be.

What's the point of this post? I guess I am trying to tell you that you should think for yourself. Yes, read, learn, experiment - find out what works for you! It's ok to take a bit from each camp and make it your own. Following someone else's ideals is what keeps you stuck. I'm moving into camp Lauren!