Moving forward

I've taken a little bit of time off from my blog recently to really think about how I want to move forward.

You see, I've been feeling a bit stuck lately. Stuck between the part of me that still wants to fit into all that smaller stuff I packed away a few weeks ago and the part that has just recently bought a whole heap of clothes that fit me now.

Stuck between the person who has radically transformed my relationship with food and my body and the person who knows I still have a way to go - I'm not quite there yet.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I'm looking pretty good, other times I really wish I did not have that roll of fat around my waist - it just makes everything sit wrong!

I have made great inroads into accepting myself more and I've been branching out with my fashion choices, it feels good to wear dresses and skirts (and bare my legs!) now that the weather is warming up - I will not spend another summer hiding myself in jeans, or wearing full length leggings under all my skirts! I've been wearing more makeup and having lots of fun dressing up and curling my hair - it feels good!

Still, because I have been focusing so much on clothes and how I look I feel that I've lost focus of what it was that lead me down this path in the first place, and that is what I think has been derailing me a little bit. What I'm really trying to achieve is a healthy relationship with food and my body and to be happy, healthy and fit.

I saw and heard a couple of things this week that really helped me to clarify my goals again. The first one was this infographic from Precision Nutrition.

It's one of those things that you can take what you like and leave what you don't from. But I just thought this was one of the more balanced pieces of information I had seen on what it really takes to achieve a really lean physique.

For me - I'm not a particularly big fan of the way it seems to suggest you can basically just dial in your body fat percentage, I also didn't like the reference to being able to reduce or eliminate medications - for some people this is just not possible no matter how fit and healthy they are, and that is ok! I alway use my husband in this example - he is a healthy weight and ran two marathons this year but still takes blood pressure medication - it's just one of those things.

However, the things I did like about if far outweighed those that I didn't. I loved the really really wide range of behaviours and eating styles that were represented as being "healthy". I liked the focus on other aspects of lifestyle such as sleep and eating slowly.

What I also loved was the focus on trade-offs and also the bit at the bottom that spoke about choosing your goals and also choosing what you are willing to do and also not willing to do. I just don't know that I've ever seen it represented like this. The diet and fitness industry seems to sell the message that we all should be willing to do whatever it takes to get a "bikini body" or a six pack. Whereas I feel like this graphic is saying - it's ok if you are not willing to give up friday night drinks, you can still be happy and healthy. We all have different priorities and goals and that is ok!

The best bit - the focus towards the end on what it takes to get that "cover model" look - lots of micromanaging of food and exercise and often a bit of help from photoshop! It also highlights the fact that even body builders really only look like this on competition day, by manipulating their carbohydrate and fluid intake in the days before the comp.

I think a set of guidelines like this can be really helpful for people who have a history of disordered eating instead of wandering around in the dark.

The other thing that gave me a bit of a wake up was seeing was an "off season" photo shoot two fitness models had posted on Facebook where they spoke about being insecure about people seeing them like that, and overhearing a lady speak about how she hates looking at herself in the mirror since having a baby. I just thought, it shouldn't be like this. We should be celebrating post-baby bodies for the miracle of life they created, we should be celebrating off-season bodies for the gains we are making that we can show of when competition time rolls around around. We should be celebrating ALL bodies for the awesome vehicles they are, not for what they look like in the mirror.

So - where to from here. I'm going to get back in touch with my original goals - happy, healthy and fit. I'm going to actually start following those healthily life goals I set myself a few weeks ago and also using the guidelines around the 23-25% body fat percentage in the Precision Nutrition graphic to guide my eating - not because I am hoping to get to that body fat percentage, but because I think they are realistic and balanced guidelines for a mere mortal like me!

It feels good to have renewed focus and calmness again - I've been floating around in the dark and not taking great care of myself lately. I'm looking forward to feeling good again!

Do you see your body as your biggest indicator of success (or failure)

So - here's a blog / ramble I've been thinking about but been too scared to write for a while now - scared because it's possibly a bit controversial and I'm not into conflict!!

It's also a bit of an insight into how my mind works and how much of a mind boggle this whole self acceptance journey can be - I still alternate pretty regularly between thinking I should lose weight and thinking I should focus my time and energy on other things.

What I have been pondering is this - why do so many of us see our bodies as our biggest (and sometimes only) indicator of success or failure?

Why do we spend so much time, energy and money trying to achieve the "perfect body"? Or worrying that we never will?

Isn't this just the ultimate display of vanity and self-absorption? Not to mention a mechanism for torturing ourselves and always feeling like we aren't good enough.

But then again you could argue that starting a blog is pretty vain and self-absorbed too - why do I think people care what I have to say?

Still, wouldn't this time, energy and money be better spent on other pursuits? When did we stop working towards ending hunger in Africa and start working on looking good in a bikini?

I also love dressing up, curling my hair and wearing make-up - does that make me a hypocrite?

Am I just feeding into making people feel guilty now? That is not my intention - it certainly does seem like there is always a reason to feel bad these days. I spend plenty of money on things I don't need and time playing mindless iPhone games - so who am I to judge anyone else for what they spend their time and money on?

All of the "fitpso" images say "strong is the new skinny". Why is this seen as being "inspirational"? I'm more inspired by the women who are actually out there making a difference in the world. I'm inspired by people who overcome adversity to achieve great things, and I'm inspired by people who have the dedication and commitment to do things like run marathons, but I don't think visible abs are particularly inspiring.

Why do we congratulate people who have lost weight and tell them we are proud of them? Sure, it takes a lot of hard work - but so do lots of other things. Why do other successes seem to pale in comparison? Why is the internet filled with before and after weight loss photos and not of people getting degrees? When was the last time you complemented someone on their empathy, joyfulness or for being a good friend?

I've started this post by saying some pretty inflammatory things - there's probably people reading this thinking that I'm just jealous that I'm not skinny. Well yeah, I still have pretty regular thoughts about being "too big". I tried on some new clothes the other day and I looked in the mirror and I thought "Geez, I am huge!" My point is - so fucking what if I'm huge?!

Yes, we should look after ourselves - we need to sleep, play, eat a balanced diet and get some exercise.

But this body obsession - I just don't think it's good for us as individuals or for the world. Think about what else you could be achieving - you are so much more than your body. What about the things you are putting off until you lose weight? Why can't you do them now?

I'm confused about how I feel about this myself because I'm all about "my body, my business". If you want to focus on becoming faster, stronger, leaner, and that makes you happy then more power too you, but I guess I am wondering if maybe obsession with our bodies is the modern day opiate of the masses?

I'm not saying that people shouldn't have goals relating to fitness or anything else that relates primarily to the self. It's good to challenge yourself - it's what makes life interesting! I think what I'm really ranting against is when this focus on the body becomes all consuming and something that robs us of our self-esteem and happiness. It's the lack of balance in the messages we receive - which all seem to say we are only good enough if we have a "bikini body" - nothing else seems to matter. Maybe you will never have a six pack or run a marathon and that's ok!! Maybe you can discover the cure for cancer instead! Maybe you are good at making people laugh, maybe you give awesome hugs! Maybe you donate to charity. All of these are things you can be proud of. There are a million ways to be an awesome person that have nothing to do with your body fat percentage.

Why don't we celebrate our bodies as a vehicle for all that awesomeness instead of trying to change them all the time?

As I said - I've been ruminating on this for a while now and still feeling pretty torn about my position. Please know that I am not trying to attack, judge or shame anyone. I'm far from perfect, I still obsess about my body, I have fitness goals and I am definitely not over in Africa making a difference. Maybe I am just overthinking the whole thing? 

Does it all just boil down to the fact that we all have different goals, lifestyles, ideals, aspirations and dreams, and that that is ok?

When does it stop being about individual goals and start becoming about being sucked in by the multi-billion dollar diet and beauty industries?

 

Where is the line between health and obsession? And is obsession always a bad thing?

I thought I'd put this all out here and see what you all think - I'd love to hear your thoughts.