Highway to the comfort zone

I'm stuck - I had such big plans for 2015 and I feel like I've failed. It's been a tough year, I lost my Nana and my step-grandmother, I've had injuries to my elbow, shoulder and calf which have affected my training, I've grappled with anxiety so bad that I thought I was losing my mind, I've questioned everything in my life, my self esteem and self worth have taken a beating, this last week my cat has had to stay at the vets on fluids because of kidney problems. My eating is officially out of control.

Does it sound like I'm throwing a pity party? I am!! I feel a bit ripped off - 2015 was supposed to be my year! I even made a vision board!! I've lost sight of the fact that there is still a good 4 months of the year left - I've been thinking maybe I can try again in 2016.

This year I have taken steps towards the life that I want, but I also seem to keep getting dragged back to what is comfortable and easy - I've been thinking about quitting a lot!!

It's so easy to get stuck in the negative, as I've felt myself starting to give up this last few weeks I've also had the realisation that this is what is comfortable - when the going gets tough, it's easier to just pull the blankets up over my head and stuff my face with chocolate. I've realised that while I've made great strides in my eating disorder recovery when life is going smoothly, I'm not there yet when life is hard. Food is my band-aid in life, it's the Swiss Army knife that can be used in any uncomfortable situation. I've also realised that no one is coming to rescue me - something that is equal parts empowering and depressing! If I'm going get out of this hole I have to pull myself out! More importantly I need to do more work on self care and healthier ways of coping.

It didn't used to be like this, I used to be driven and independent, I used to set goals and not stop until I achieved them - but this battle I've had with my body and weight over the years has robbed me of that.

Change is hard - I think I've actually got a lot of my identity nowadays wrapped up in being the "fat girl" I think I've also developed a bit of an attitude towards having something to prove - fat girls can run, they can be fit and strong. But is that really what I want my identity to be?? I'm ok with the fact that I might never be skinny - but I do want to be healthy and well adjusted, I do want to be the best version of myself - the fit, fat girl persona is a lie if I am still eating kilos of chocolate in secret and hiding the wrappers.

It's complex this thing - because there is comfort and ease in what I know but it also scares the hell out of me - that disembodied state that kicks in when the binging starts. That sense of giving up and giving in. That the eating disorder is always going to win.

I saw this quote on Facebook the other day and it resonated with me.

The thing is, the highway to the comfort zone  is an easy drive but it's also boring and there is every chance you'll fall asleep at the wheel and crash into a tree.

The road to really getting the most out of life and the road to your goals and dreams is scary and winding and uncertain - it's hard and you can't use cruise control, you really have to get behind the wheel and drive, but along the way you also pick up passengers such as inspiration, motivation, self esteem and self belief. I want that for me, it's time to start driving again.